That's the role Megha plays in my life. She started out as my best friend's best friend. But today she is my best friend too. When I met her on 13th Sep '08 i never knew that so soon she will become so important in my life. Yes Megha, i remember the date! In fact, the T-shirt i am wearing right now is what i was wearing on that day! My habit of what you call "connecting the dots".
Probably god had sent her just at the right moment. Just before god knew i would really need her. And since that day she has played the part of showing me the mirror. The ugly job of taking off my rose-tinted glasses. Forcing me time & again to look at the world & people as they are & not as i want them to be. She kept trying till the day i didn't give in. At last I did. And I am glad about it.
I have lots of friends, who are blessed with the quality of calling a spade to be a spade & most of them are gifted with razor sharp tongues. But Megha, is persistent like hell. If you are a friend, and are hell bent on messing your life. She doesn't give up. She will drag you by the hair & make you sit up & notice what mess are you making out of your life. She will help you clean it, but only if if you give her the chance.
She also happens to be one of the most sarcastic, funny & chilled-out girls I have ever come across in my life. We had hit off really well since the first day! No wonder, she is a leo!! ;)
Since the day we have been friends, she has seen me going through so many ups & downs, and never once did she leave my side. She never said that "il always be there" but she always was. And more than anything else, she believed in my strength when I myself had question marks about it.
I will never be able to put it in words, what she means to me today. What it means when she happens to be the first person to read all my posts. What it means to plan a movie marathon to cheer me up. what it means to come for a night-stay when I come to to visit Neha. What it means to gift me "Marley & me". And above everything else, what it means to love me for what I am. In spite of whatever I am.
If today I can post an entry like my last one, then its somewhere because of Megha. All my friends have always played their part in the best way. But for a person who didn't even know me for even an year. Whatever she did, is invaluable. Once agian, Neha Gupta made me meet one of the most amazing person I have known in my life.
Today, Megha, Neha & I are three close friends (who megha likes calling three musketeers!). And as she says, amongst us, Neha is the eternal pessimist, I am the eternal optimist & Megha is the Realist. Today I couldn't have agreed more with her. That's the role three of us play, and that too to the hilt!
April 29, 2009
Moving on
This term is so loosely used that today when ever you mention these words to someone people tend to think that its about a romantic relationship. Lot of times I ask my freinds to move on. And all the times its not about some romance (or love or liking ,anything you may want to call that feeling) going out of the window. For me moving on is accepting that something you really wanted to work, didn't work. And it may be anything. It may be your first love. It may be what you are right now thinking is your last love. It may be your life's savings. It may be you precious job. It may be your biggest exam. It can be anything you had put your heart & soul into & you saw it crashing right in front of your eyes. Worse, it crashed when your eyes were closed because you either blindly trusted people or you just didn't pay attention to something really important as your eyes were on something else.
When we make a wish, that may be big that may be small, you really want it to happen. And when it doesn't happen it hurts. But for how long it hurts depends on you & only you. If you want to sit down & keep crying about it or probably cling to that silver lining which is not really silver but grey then you are just adding more mess to your life than there already is. It hurts to accept that what was so dear to your is no longer a reason for your smile. Its okay, but why are people hell-bent in making it now a reason to cry.
Reading this, lots of my friends will raise their eye brows & probably say "look who's talking"!! Agreed, that whatever i feel in my life, be it my desire to have ice-cream or my trip to a place or my job or the guy i would want to be or be it the the cute looking guy in the movie shopaholic , i always feel really strongly. Even if its a small thing. So if I really feel like having chocolate doughnut i will leave everything & go and have it. For whatever reason, if i am not able to have it. I feel sad, angry, furious, restless and even haunted! Everyone who knows well enough , know s this is the case with everything i wish for. Small or big, doesn't matter. And when a wish doesn't come true, it just hurts.
It hurts to see that the exam you studied for didn't go well.
It hurts to know that someone you called your best friend betrayed your trust & of the people around you.
It hurts to lose the chance to be a part of your dream institute.
It hurts to see the person you so wanted to be with is with someone else.
It hurts to know that what you thought to be true was false.
It hurts to wait for the girl you have loved your entire life to be married to someone else.
It hurts to see that the person you mentored stabbed you in the back.
It hurts to realise that job you so wanted went to someone else.
It hurts to know that your own friends were waiting for your down-fall.
It hurts to wait for the day you know will never come.
For me, it even hurts to know that I can't have the flavour of the ice-cream i so FELT like having at that moment.
It hurts to know that my bank balance doesn't allow me to buy that awesome jacket i saw at the store.
It hurts to know that i can't go to meet my friends staying out of Delhi as & when i want.
It hurts to know that the battery of my phone drains like sand slips from your hand.
It hurts to have a bad throat when i really want to bitch with my best friend for hours & hours.
It hurts to realise that i cant go to Goa every month.
It hurts to know that the money in my account finishes as soon as it comes.
Basically, when you want something to happen, and it doesn't happen or it happens but it goes wrong, it hurts. And when it hurts you, only you know how bad it is. Lot of times people tell me "you don't know" or "you don't understand". Of course I don't. Why will I? How will I? Is it my wish which didn't come true? No. Then obviously it doesn't hurt me.
But everything in life doesn't last. The trick is to decide whether you want to treat it like recession or you want to make it a depression. If you think its just a phase, it will pass. But if think its the end, then you will make it the end. And when a desire becomes an obsession, no one comes to know. The line is so blurred that even the most experienced people don't realise when they cross this line.
Its all about accepting. Accepting that you went wrong. People went wrong. Situations went wrong. And things didn't work out. But life moves on. And for the better. I am not saying that when you want something don't work towards it. Bend backwards to make it happen. But if even after that it doesn't happen. Just accept & move on. Nothing & no one in life is worth bringing your life to a halt.
Yesterday i was blasting a friend of mine. For not accepting that a girl he so madly loves has gone or is going. It hurts. Agreed. But only the person who is into it can put that full-stop. No one can do it for you. People can help you do it, if you give them the chance. But only you can break the damn vicious circle. And when people quote me the time they have spent with the other person they no longer are with. I just wonder how does that matter. Agreed, more memories, more pain, more time you take. But you need to start at least. And its a circle remember? You never know when it started, you never know when it will it end. For some the radius of the circle is bigger (read the no. of days, weeks, months or years they were with that other person). But that's the beauty of a circle, you will never know how many rounds have you taken. One person's one round (say with a bigger radius) can be equal to another person's 10 rounds (with smaller radius). So keep going on and on for as long as you want to. But in the end it was just hurts a lot. The sooner you break it, the better it will be. Its like the case of "five more minute" sleep. You know the situation i s going to be exactly the same 5 minutes later. If you think you have to do it, then do it now. The willingness & the confidence that yes you can break this circle has to come from within you.
The most amazing thing about life is, that it moves on. No matter how hard you may try to stop it. If we look back today, we will find that our life has changed so much over the period of time. Exactly six months ago, what mattered to me the most doesn't matter to me today at all. Same is the case with six months before that. Life is a yo-yo. It goes up. It goes down. but for heaven's sake at least let it go up & down. Don't bring it to a halt. At times its important to rip-off the band-aid. Only then can the wound heal.
When we make a wish, that may be big that may be small, you really want it to happen. And when it doesn't happen it hurts. But for how long it hurts depends on you & only you. If you want to sit down & keep crying about it or probably cling to that silver lining which is not really silver but grey then you are just adding more mess to your life than there already is. It hurts to accept that what was so dear to your is no longer a reason for your smile. Its okay, but why are people hell-bent in making it now a reason to cry.
Reading this, lots of my friends will raise their eye brows & probably say "look who's talking"!! Agreed, that whatever i feel in my life, be it my desire to have ice-cream or my trip to a place or my job or the guy i would want to be or be it the the cute looking guy in the movie shopaholic , i always feel really strongly. Even if its a small thing. So if I really feel like having chocolate doughnut i will leave everything & go and have it. For whatever reason, if i am not able to have it. I feel sad, angry, furious, restless and even haunted! Everyone who knows well enough , know s this is the case with everything i wish for. Small or big, doesn't matter. And when a wish doesn't come true, it just hurts.
It hurts to see that the exam you studied for didn't go well.
It hurts to know that someone you called your best friend betrayed your trust & of the people around you.
It hurts to lose the chance to be a part of your dream institute.
It hurts to see the person you so wanted to be with is with someone else.
It hurts to know that what you thought to be true was false.
It hurts to wait for the girl you have loved your entire life to be married to someone else.
It hurts to see that the person you mentored stabbed you in the back.
It hurts to realise that job you so wanted went to someone else.
It hurts to know that your own friends were waiting for your down-fall.
It hurts to wait for the day you know will never come.
For me, it even hurts to know that I can't have the flavour of the ice-cream i so FELT like having at that moment.
It hurts to know that my bank balance doesn't allow me to buy that awesome jacket i saw at the store.
It hurts to know that i can't go to meet my friends staying out of Delhi as & when i want.
It hurts to know that the battery of my phone drains like sand slips from your hand.
It hurts to have a bad throat when i really want to bitch with my best friend for hours & hours.
It hurts to realise that i cant go to Goa every month.
It hurts to know that the money in my account finishes as soon as it comes.
Basically, when you want something to happen, and it doesn't happen or it happens but it goes wrong, it hurts. And when it hurts you, only you know how bad it is. Lot of times people tell me "you don't know" or "you don't understand". Of course I don't. Why will I? How will I? Is it my wish which didn't come true? No. Then obviously it doesn't hurt me.
But everything in life doesn't last. The trick is to decide whether you want to treat it like recession or you want to make it a depression. If you think its just a phase, it will pass. But if think its the end, then you will make it the end. And when a desire becomes an obsession, no one comes to know. The line is so blurred that even the most experienced people don't realise when they cross this line.
Its all about accepting. Accepting that you went wrong. People went wrong. Situations went wrong. And things didn't work out. But life moves on. And for the better. I am not saying that when you want something don't work towards it. Bend backwards to make it happen. But if even after that it doesn't happen. Just accept & move on. Nothing & no one in life is worth bringing your life to a halt.
Yesterday i was blasting a friend of mine. For not accepting that a girl he so madly loves has gone or is going. It hurts. Agreed. But only the person who is into it can put that full-stop. No one can do it for you. People can help you do it, if you give them the chance. But only you can break the damn vicious circle. And when people quote me the time they have spent with the other person they no longer are with. I just wonder how does that matter. Agreed, more memories, more pain, more time you take. But you need to start at least. And its a circle remember? You never know when it started, you never know when it will it end. For some the radius of the circle is bigger (read the no. of days, weeks, months or years they were with that other person). But that's the beauty of a circle, you will never know how many rounds have you taken. One person's one round (say with a bigger radius) can be equal to another person's 10 rounds (with smaller radius). So keep going on and on for as long as you want to. But in the end it was just hurts a lot. The sooner you break it, the better it will be. Its like the case of "five more minute" sleep. You know the situation i s going to be exactly the same 5 minutes later. If you think you have to do it, then do it now. The willingness & the confidence that yes you can break this circle has to come from within you.
The most amazing thing about life is, that it moves on. No matter how hard you may try to stop it. If we look back today, we will find that our life has changed so much over the period of time. Exactly six months ago, what mattered to me the most doesn't matter to me today at all. Same is the case with six months before that. Life is a yo-yo. It goes up. It goes down. but for heaven's sake at least let it go up & down. Don't bring it to a halt. At times its important to rip-off the band-aid. Only then can the wound heal.
April 12, 2009
smile!
Today seems to be such a nice, bright & happy day!!! And i just can't stop giggling. I don't know why!!! Probably because i am very happy!!!! Whatever it may be, but i m loving it.
So no oh-so senti post today!!!
Just a thought.. how easily we become happy even if is for no ryhme or reason!!!
But who cares, as far as the smile is there!! :)
So no oh-so senti post today!!!
Just a thought.. how easily we become happy even if is for no ryhme or reason!!!
But who cares, as far as the smile is there!! :)
April 7, 2009
My FIRST best friend!!!
The other day i was reading a quiz (reading not answering) and i came a cross a question "Who is your first best friend?" Had the term "first" not been there i would have listed so many names but since it was "first", it had to be Romi Roy.
A person like me who gives a hell lot of importance to the all the "firsts" in life couldn't have been more glad that my FIRST best friend is Romi. Sometimes we make choices in life which we can still be proud of even after 10 years. This seems to be a blessing when today we can't even be proud of some choices even after 10 months.
Although, there have been really close friends even before i met Romi, and when I say close friends i mean the best of friends. But when ever i have to name my first best friend, i always name her. She was the "first" friend who changed me for better. She showed me what I could be. She made me confident. Confident about myself. Confident about life. She made me overcome a lot of fears i used to have at that time. In fact she met me at one of my lowest points in life. Had it not been her, probably i wouldn't have been the Kamna today my so many other friends like as a person. Yet hardly any one of my friends have heard me talking about Romi like i yap about almost everyone else. Some people are very special. But ask my family & they will tell what you what Romi means for me. What she meant for me back then & what she means even today.
We were together only for an year, this seems to be so less in comparison to the time i have spent with all my other friends. But since when have people like us started weighing the worth of relationships in terms of the number of days spent with the other person. And not that we are not friends now..
When i had left Ambala almost ten years ago, I didn't know if i will ever meet Romi again. This was thanks to the fact that we both belong to army families. Infact today she is the only friend of mine who also happens to be an army officer's daughter. Its been 10 years, I still haven't met her as such but when three years ago I got back in touch with her I was just so happy. And now i do have this hope of meeting her someday. Meeting my FIRST best friend. For that either Calcutta will have to come to Delhi or Delhi will have to go there!!
Life has changed so much in the last years. We have changed so much in the last ten years that it will be amazing to see my childhood friend from a new perspective. That friend who had this habit of saying "By Jove"! Memories always seem so to be so fresh!!
Thanks Romi!! :)
A person like me who gives a hell lot of importance to the all the "firsts" in life couldn't have been more glad that my FIRST best friend is Romi. Sometimes we make choices in life which we can still be proud of even after 10 years. This seems to be a blessing when today we can't even be proud of some choices even after 10 months.
Although, there have been really close friends even before i met Romi, and when I say close friends i mean the best of friends. But when ever i have to name my first best friend, i always name her. She was the "first" friend who changed me for better. She showed me what I could be. She made me confident. Confident about myself. Confident about life. She made me overcome a lot of fears i used to have at that time. In fact she met me at one of my lowest points in life. Had it not been her, probably i wouldn't have been the Kamna today my so many other friends like as a person. Yet hardly any one of my friends have heard me talking about Romi like i yap about almost everyone else. Some people are very special. But ask my family & they will tell what you what Romi means for me. What she meant for me back then & what she means even today.
We were together only for an year, this seems to be so less in comparison to the time i have spent with all my other friends. But since when have people like us started weighing the worth of relationships in terms of the number of days spent with the other person. And not that we are not friends now..
When i had left Ambala almost ten years ago, I didn't know if i will ever meet Romi again. This was thanks to the fact that we both belong to army families. Infact today she is the only friend of mine who also happens to be an army officer's daughter. Its been 10 years, I still haven't met her as such but when three years ago I got back in touch with her I was just so happy. And now i do have this hope of meeting her someday. Meeting my FIRST best friend. For that either Calcutta will have to come to Delhi or Delhi will have to go there!!
Life has changed so much in the last years. We have changed so much in the last ten years that it will be amazing to see my childhood friend from a new perspective. That friend who had this habit of saying "By Jove"! Memories always seem so to be so fresh!!
Thanks Romi!! :)
April 6, 2009
Mirror Images
Yesterday was a very hectic day. So much of work that even if we would stayed the night in office it wouldn't have got finished. Suddenly i had to rush to Gurgaon, that too without eating anything. So obviously i wasn't feeling great, thanks to the hunger pangs. And it was so damn hot. To distract myself I started reading the book i was carrying (Puppet on a chain by Alistair Maclean). Couldn't have picked a better book, on a better day & in a better place. On my way towards the IFFCO chowk as i had the central mall on my right, i couldn't continue with the reading. I once again realised that this book i was reading wasn't mine. And when i had picked it, i had the intentions of returning it to the friend i had borrowed it from. Now its different. And i once again started cursing myself for this habit of relating things, people, places etc. etc.
After i recovered from my workload shock after my meeting, once again i started connecting the dots around me. It was time to call the person who has taught me in the last few months as to how to treat things as just things. Suvidha, my best friend & my mirror image. We are so similar that's its freaking. And the moment i called her & said "hi" she knew im not doing too well. and she just asked "Wat's up"? All i had to say was "I'm in gurgaon." Although i go to Gurgaon every other day but Suvidha knew what I really meant this time. She just knew I was not fine. And that's something she can never tolerate. And the moment she realised I am outside Central, MGF etc. she knew where i was headed to. And where this conversation is headed to. While talking to her I started missing the third member of our group, Geetanjali. She & I had so much fun in Metropoplitan sometime back. And I couldn't help but have a big smile. And i realised how easily our brain connects places & objects to people. And how easily it moves on. Like mine moved on from Central to MGF. And also how everything changes once you take a U-turn & come on the other side of the road.
But still i was pissed with this habit of mine which makes me connect everything to something or the other, someone or the other. Suvidha, instead felt that its a very nice thing. And what she said made me feel happy, proud & less apologetic about this habit. She was like " I am glad that you are still so sensitive to everything, that too towards small small things around you. At least you are not cold, you still feel bad and good about so many things. I would have been worried if you wouldn't have been feeling like this. Because that's not you, that was not you, and you are still you! And the best is that its not out of sight out of mind for you." After listening to her, i thought yes probably its a good thing. What is the harm in being sensitive to things, places & people. I have always been like this. And why should I feel bad about habits which make me what i am. But i certainly could have done without the last part of her sentence. But once again in life i felt so blessed to have her in my life. Once more Suvidha turned everything around. By the time I reached Nehru Place, both of us were giggling like crazy girls. But that's how we are. We are mirror images.
Although we have been best friends since a very long time but post September, after she got married, our friendship has matured all the more. Although I think that we have lost it all the more with each passing day!!! In the last six months or so, i have always looked up to her for support, advice, love, care & affection. She is one person who is so intuitive. I never have to tell her what will make me happy. She just knows it. That's why i probably initially don't tell her what i really want. One, I can't hide anything from her & two if she knows that something makes me happy, she will also want the same thing for me. And for both of us, either we get what we want or we don't want it at all. When we know that we deserve the bar of chocolate, why the hell will we settle for for Eclairs. Right Suvidha? Lot of people may call this being adamant. We call it "clarity". Of what we want & what we don't. We might not always get what we want, but we certainly don't settle for something we don't want. Good or bad but Suvidha & I just don't treat anything in life "casually". Having said that, Suvidha is one person who actually teaches me how to "chill"!!Lot of times she tells me, to just give myself a break. In between all the stupidities we do, Suvidha has taught me so much about life. That too while giggling!!!!!
And must say I have been a good student. This I realised when the other day while yapping on the phone, she asked to go switch on the TV & watch "how i met your mother". I said "no I don't want to watch it". She was like "Kamna its just a show!". And all i replied was "Exactly its just a show, a show I am not a regular viewer of. Why should I leave everything I am doing to watch it when I am not really in the mood to watch TV. And what i really want to do is to talk to my best friend, that exactly what I am doing." And although, i could not see her, but i knew she smiled at my reply. I am sure she must have felt proud that finally I did learn which she taught me. How to treat things as things. Just things. By watching it then, trying to prove a point, i would have actually defeated the whole purpose.
Thanks Suvidha, for everything you have done in all these years & more so in all these months. How you used to drag me to the farm thinking it will lift my mood, and trust me it really did. How you used to be beside me to stop me from going into my handy-shell. And more than anything else how once you told me that the ever-optimistic Kamna is becoming a pessimist. She has started looking at the galss as half-empty. The made me feel scared. Scared of no-longer remaining your mirror image. The best compliment i have ever got in my life is from you, when you said that "Kamna we are mirror images". If am YOUR mirror image, then I have to be amazing! And Awesome too!!! ;)
April 5, 2009
Time
Time is one one thing which always seems to be less, no matter how much of it we have or take. One week ago, when i reached back Delhi from Bombay, i thought that i have taken enough time. Today morning i realised that i probably need more. Its like when we get up from sleep and even if we have slept for 12 hours we somehow still want five more minutes. Inside we know that the story will still be the same after five or even ten minutes.
I am writing this while listening to a really emotional, romantic, beautiful, in short my FAVOURITE song so i have lost more sense out of the little i have been blessed with. Hence such a strange post. Which will probably have no head or tail. But there is a thought behind. And probably only i understand this thought the best, since its my thoughts i am talking about. But since Geetanjali told when i started my blog that probably il feel "better" through this blog, i thought of writing these random thoughts here. I MOSTLY listen to what Geetanjali says. The only time when i didn't listen to her and told her "Geetanjali I am not asking you, I am telling you" was the time when everything turned upside down. But as she says, everything that happens, happens for a reason & for the best. But Geetanjali was right, which she mostly is, this blog has helped me feel "better".
At times, the whole thought that your thoughts are being read by someone, even if that someone is not that one you want it to be read by, seems to help. It saves you from feeling bottled up. That's exactly how i felt today morning when i got up from sleep. And i wanted to sleep again.
Strange it may seem to be for a person who talks the the whole day. Who is considered to be an open book. Who is indeed an open book by all regards. How can a chatterbox like me feel bottled up? Only if everything in life was exactly how it seems (i want to use the word 'seemed') to be.
Only if there were less questions and more answers.
I am writing this while listening to a really emotional, romantic, beautiful, in short my FAVOURITE song so i have lost more sense out of the little i have been blessed with. Hence such a strange post. Which will probably have no head or tail. But there is a thought behind. And probably only i understand this thought the best, since its my thoughts i am talking about. But since Geetanjali told when i started my blog that probably il feel "better" through this blog, i thought of writing these random thoughts here. I MOSTLY listen to what Geetanjali says. The only time when i didn't listen to her and told her "Geetanjali I am not asking you, I am telling you" was the time when everything turned upside down. But as she says, everything that happens, happens for a reason & for the best. But Geetanjali was right, which she mostly is, this blog has helped me feel "better".
At times, the whole thought that your thoughts are being read by someone, even if that someone is not that one you want it to be read by, seems to help. It saves you from feeling bottled up. That's exactly how i felt today morning when i got up from sleep. And i wanted to sleep again.
Strange it may seem to be for a person who talks the the whole day. Who is considered to be an open book. Who is indeed an open book by all regards. How can a chatterbox like me feel bottled up? Only if everything in life was exactly how it seems (i want to use the word 'seemed') to be.
Only if there were less questions and more answers.
April 4, 2009
Bombay
Last week i got to know that happyness is not so difficult to feel as we think it is. I had this sudden urge to go to Bombay. Although i had been planning for a long time but all of a sudden I didn't know why I just wanted to go. But wasn't it the old me to just get up & do what i wanted to do even if that didn't have a big reason behind it.
Like a kid I went up to my boss and told him that "i wanna go to Bombay". And he sent me to bombay within a week. The whole thought that I just put my finger on something and I got that made me feel elated!! Now this is why i used to always feel that I am god's favourite child. Once again in life, after a really long time, I started feeling like that again.
Going to bombay was not such a big deal as such. But it was a very important trip for me. Both professionally & personally. It was my trip to "do" & "undo" a few things. Since the time my tickets were booked I knew this trip is gonna be the refresh button of my life. I was excited not for anything but for this chance to get my old old self back. I just wanted a lil break. Not the goa kind of break. But a break from a few things yet being around things and people who matter. And my work is one such aspect of my life. So a work cum pleasure trip is what I really needed.
Working makes me feel nice. And it makes feel important & wanted. And I love feeling like that. Then the whole feeling that there were friends in Bombay who were waiting for me, made me feel special. Friends who met me in Delhi a month ago but couldn't stop saying awesome when I told them that I am coming. Then there were friends who had no obligations to meet me but still went out of their way to do so. Also, there were new friendships waiting to be formed.
And above all, you give me a beach and i am the most happiest person on this planet. I feel PEACE when i am at a beach. Looking at the waves gives me joy which is truly unmatched. And Bombay has beaches!!!
Towards the last day i had started missing home, i had started missing delhi. But inside i was feeling nice, there were friends who were waiting for me to come back. You see, as I said earlier i love being wanted!!! Desire happens to be the meaning of my name!!! ;)
Once once again my confidence in my intuition has strengthened. I had this feeling that I should go to Bombay. It will make me feel me feel happy, that's exactly what I am feeling!!! :)
And since the day I have been back from Bombay, people around me and I myself can feel this change in me. I have become happy, fresh, excited, hopeful, lively & what not. Did Bombay "do" something? Or did it "undo" something? Or probably both? Whatever the case is, I am happy and that's all that matters!!!
Thank you Boss!!!! :)
Like a kid I went up to my boss and told him that "i wanna go to Bombay". And he sent me to bombay within a week. The whole thought that I just put my finger on something and I got that made me feel elated!! Now this is why i used to always feel that I am god's favourite child. Once again in life, after a really long time, I started feeling like that again.
Going to bombay was not such a big deal as such. But it was a very important trip for me. Both professionally & personally. It was my trip to "do" & "undo" a few things. Since the time my tickets were booked I knew this trip is gonna be the refresh button of my life. I was excited not for anything but for this chance to get my old old self back. I just wanted a lil break. Not the goa kind of break. But a break from a few things yet being around things and people who matter. And my work is one such aspect of my life. So a work cum pleasure trip is what I really needed.
Working makes me feel nice. And it makes feel important & wanted. And I love feeling like that. Then the whole feeling that there were friends in Bombay who were waiting for me, made me feel special. Friends who met me in Delhi a month ago but couldn't stop saying awesome when I told them that I am coming. Then there were friends who had no obligations to meet me but still went out of their way to do so. Also, there were new friendships waiting to be formed.
And above all, you give me a beach and i am the most happiest person on this planet. I feel PEACE when i am at a beach. Looking at the waves gives me joy which is truly unmatched. And Bombay has beaches!!!
Towards the last day i had started missing home, i had started missing delhi. But inside i was feeling nice, there were friends who were waiting for me to come back. You see, as I said earlier i love being wanted!!! Desire happens to be the meaning of my name!!! ;)
Once once again my confidence in my intuition has strengthened. I had this feeling that I should go to Bombay. It will make me feel me feel happy, that's exactly what I am feeling!!! :)
And since the day I have been back from Bombay, people around me and I myself can feel this change in me. I have become happy, fresh, excited, hopeful, lively & what not. Did Bombay "do" something? Or did it "undo" something? Or probably both? Whatever the case is, I am happy and that's all that matters!!!
Thank you Boss!!!! :)
April 2, 2009
Indifference
Indifference, according to me is the worst we can be towards someone. I am perceived to be a very warm person by almost everyone around me. This perception is perfectly justified. But my really close friends know that I can be extremely indifferent towards people who hurt me so badly that they leave no scope to undo what they did. Not cold but indifferent. There is a hell lot of difference.
Time & again it has happened that i have realised that people who were once the most important people in my life, people I truly loved & valued in whatever role they played in my life, when hurt me knowingly or leave me after hurting me, i just become indifferent towards them. Good or bad, right or wrong i don't know but that's how it is with me. When I am done with it, I really am done with it.
But can we ever turn a blind eye on someone who meant a hell lot once. More so if that person is sad or hurt or broken or shattered. I don't think so. Love as a feeling is so deep & true that it actually never dies.
Having said that, once the trust is broken it can never be re-established. And to have a nurturing relationship with another human soul both love & trust are equally important. Once the trust has gone, its gone forever, even if the love is still there.
I know, a few friends will question this point, like always, "how can you love someone you no longer trust". I will probaly never be explain why I feel like this. Yes i still do. But somewhere you can. The human beings we are, souls who are somewhere always scared to get hurt, will never want to be with people we no longer trust, even if we still love them. We tend to feel that someone who has broken our trust once, knows it really well how to do it, so they will take no time to do it again. But as I said true love never dies. True being the keyword here. And when we love people, more so as friends, I think that love is really indeed very true & pure. Other forms of the so-called love i would rather not comment on.
Today i realised that a friend who once used to be my best friend is sad. I don't know the reason, but i read her facebook status & i realised that she is disturbed. Its been almost three years since we drifted apart but don't know why but today when i come to know that she is disturbed, i don't take a second and ping her on gtalk.
There are so many people on my facebook list, i don't bother for all do I? Then why for a person who is no longer so close as she used to be. Why didn't I think for a second that what if she is doesn't respond. Why I am bothered about her happiness & peace of mind. I don't know the reason but that's how it is.
At the same time I am okay with the fact that she asked me for sometime as she is very disturbed. There was a time when we were very close. Best of friends. Long time ago, in different ways we both had let each other down, & everything changed.
But today I honestly didn't feel bad at all thinking that she didn't share her feelings with me or that times have changed so much. Probably because life has taught me that times change. At times, change happens in a blink. And at times there is pregnant pause & everything changes. No matter how quickly or slowly the change comes in the the attitude of people towards you or your attitude towards them, the key is to accept & respect that times have changed. People have changed. Equations have changed. And somewhere you have changed too. More often than not, this change is for better. So welcome it with open arms rather that fighting with your own self. That self which asks you to accept this change.
But the questions still remains, can we ever really be truly indifferent towards people we once claimed to love. In whatever manner we did, but we did. I would like myself to believe that the answer to this question of mine is "yes", but inside I know that its a "probably not" but "possibly yes". And there is a hell of a difference between "probably" & "possibly", all those who have seen pursuit of happyness will know what I mean!!!!!!
Till sometime back, "probably" was my favourite word out of the two, now i like "possibly" more. As I said, times change. So does our liking & so do our prefrences. Even if it doesn't change every other day, but i am glad that it finally does!
Time & again it has happened that i have realised that people who were once the most important people in my life, people I truly loved & valued in whatever role they played in my life, when hurt me knowingly or leave me after hurting me, i just become indifferent towards them. Good or bad, right or wrong i don't know but that's how it is with me. When I am done with it, I really am done with it.
But can we ever turn a blind eye on someone who meant a hell lot once. More so if that person is sad or hurt or broken or shattered. I don't think so. Love as a feeling is so deep & true that it actually never dies.
Having said that, once the trust is broken it can never be re-established. And to have a nurturing relationship with another human soul both love & trust are equally important. Once the trust has gone, its gone forever, even if the love is still there.
I know, a few friends will question this point, like always, "how can you love someone you no longer trust". I will probaly never be explain why I feel like this. Yes i still do. But somewhere you can. The human beings we are, souls who are somewhere always scared to get hurt, will never want to be with people we no longer trust, even if we still love them. We tend to feel that someone who has broken our trust once, knows it really well how to do it, so they will take no time to do it again. But as I said true love never dies. True being the keyword here. And when we love people, more so as friends, I think that love is really indeed very true & pure. Other forms of the so-called love i would rather not comment on.
Today i realised that a friend who once used to be my best friend is sad. I don't know the reason, but i read her facebook status & i realised that she is disturbed. Its been almost three years since we drifted apart but don't know why but today when i come to know that she is disturbed, i don't take a second and ping her on gtalk.
There are so many people on my facebook list, i don't bother for all do I? Then why for a person who is no longer so close as she used to be. Why didn't I think for a second that what if she is doesn't respond. Why I am bothered about her happiness & peace of mind. I don't know the reason but that's how it is.
At the same time I am okay with the fact that she asked me for sometime as she is very disturbed. There was a time when we were very close. Best of friends. Long time ago, in different ways we both had let each other down, & everything changed.
But today I honestly didn't feel bad at all thinking that she didn't share her feelings with me or that times have changed so much. Probably because life has taught me that times change. At times, change happens in a blink. And at times there is pregnant pause & everything changes. No matter how quickly or slowly the change comes in the the attitude of people towards you or your attitude towards them, the key is to accept & respect that times have changed. People have changed. Equations have changed. And somewhere you have changed too. More often than not, this change is for better. So welcome it with open arms rather that fighting with your own self. That self which asks you to accept this change.
But the questions still remains, can we ever really be truly indifferent towards people we once claimed to love. In whatever manner we did, but we did. I would like myself to believe that the answer to this question of mine is "yes", but inside I know that its a "probably not" but "possibly yes". And there is a hell of a difference between "probably" & "possibly", all those who have seen pursuit of happyness will know what I mean!!!!!!
Till sometime back, "probably" was my favourite word out of the two, now i like "possibly" more. As I said, times change. So does our liking & so do our prefrences. Even if it doesn't change every other day, but i am glad that it finally does!
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