Silence

Felt like writing something after ages today. Its been a month since I posted last. No particular reason for this silence. Yes silence & not what people call the writer's block. I am not a writer. I am a reader who writes what she feels.

Now ME being silent is a big thing. Very big indeed. But contrary to popular belief I do I like being silent at times. "At times" being the key words here! ;)

Silence is not my default mode. But my system too does have that mode, its another thing that I don't let that mode to be activated often!

I love being silent when I am travelling with Shaina. We both love same kind of songs. And we listen to them, without saying a word to each other. For her its usual, you see she is a capricorn! But somehow at that moment, i just don't feel the need to talk. In fact, I think Shaina is the only person with whom I it can be silent! Capricorns oh Capricorns!!

I love being silent at times when I am going to gurgaon for my meetings. Most of these meetings are with my boss so we chat the whole way. But there are days when he talks less & I talk just a lil less than I otherwise do. With boss, I don't have to talk just for the heck of talking. Although he always listens to my non-stop yapping but I can afford to go silent in front of him, without the fear of having an awkward silence!

I love being silent when someone breaks my trust in small lil pieces and brings the pieces to me putting the message loud & clear. At such moments a short-tempered girl like me who can scream at small lil things wants to just be silent & walks away holding the brownie box tightly in my hands not saying a word. Some times words just fail you. Yes they do even fail me!

I love being silent when I listen to some of my favourite songs! Even if I have heard them hundred and ten times before! But i still listen to each word with equal fondness as the first time or should I say the second time.

I love being silent when I look at the moon. Moon is my favourite. It makes me feel calm & at peace. And when I look at a full moon, all I say is "its beautiful"! Yes shaina even if it looks artificial to you.

I love being silent, when certain people who make me feel overwhelmed are sitting right in front me. But since the overwhelming feeling fades out, so does the desire to be silent.

I love being silent when I am listening to people who make me happy. Really Happy. Even if they dont realise how happy I am when they talk and I listen. And even if they dont accept that they talk as much as I do! And probably better than I do. :)

And I love being silent when I want to be with just myself, like everyone else does. And if at such moments I am travelling alone or i am at a beach then nothing like it!

So silent mode is there but its rarely activated!! And yes even for a person like me, silence is golden!!!!! This reminds me of what I had once said to someone, "silence is golden, but not when the other person's system is on UPS". And I love being silent when I know that i wont ever say it again to someone else.

College

I left home early today. The weather was beautiful. Not raining, but like it will rain any moment. And this is the perfect weather for me. I always feel that its more beautiful before it rains than when it actually does. The early morning time, the weather and me travelling on a rickshaw took me back in time. It made feel like I am going to college. And that made me so nostalgic but happy!

Its been three years since I started working & I absolutely love working but even today I miss college as much I missed it three years ago. It was the most beautiful phase of my life. College gave me a sense of identity, a direction, a purpose, a confidence to make my own choices & hell lot of friends. College changed me forever. And for the better.

It was the place which made me realise that when you really wanna do something, you do it. Come what may. When we used to have a production shoot lined up in two hours and we used to be doing our set, we knew that this set has to be put up, even if we don't have more than half the things to put it up. It was clear that it has to be done, even if it meant begging, borrowing or stealing things. This taught me what "Never say die" really means.

It was the place which helped me to zoom out & see things from a larger perspective. It taught me patience & persistence. I know I am not very patient in lot of things but I am extremely patient & persistent in many.It taught me to be humble & arrogant at the same time. It taught me to have a sense of clarity. It taught me how to live & love life minus the bullshit & pretence. It taught me say "yes". It taught me to say "no". And above all it taught me team spirit.

College gave me the confidence to take risks. The courage to put things at stake. And to go for the bait when the stakes are high.It taught me that its ok to make mistakes as long as you think that you have the strength to face the consequences.

It was the place where I met some of the most amazing people. People who were so comfortable in their own skin. All of them taught me how to live life on my own terms & be comfortable & proud of who I am.

It was the place which taught me how to be proud of being a girl, a woman or a lady whatever u may wanna call it. I was always happy that god made me a girl. But college taught me to be proud of it. And i don't mean college made me a feminist. I work with all men & I consider myself lucky for it. Some of the most amazing & genuine people I know today are men. But college made me confident enough to go ask for a pink stapler for my office table. I am a girl, I am proud of it & I am not shy about expressing it.


College made who I am & I truely love myself. So all the more reasons to smile while thinking about the most enriching period of my life.

Devil's Advocate

That's the role Megha plays in my life. She started out as my best friend's best friend. But today she is my best friend too. When I met her on 13th Sep '08 i never knew that so soon she will become so important in my life. Yes Megha, i remember the date! In fact, the T-shirt i am wearing right now is what i was wearing on that day! My habit of what you call "connecting the dots".

Probably god had sent her just at the right moment. Just before god knew i would really need her. And since that day she has played the part of showing me the mirror. The ugly job of taking off my rose-tinted glasses. Forcing me time & again to look at the world & people as they are & not as i want them to be. She kept trying till the day i didn't give in. At last I did. And I am glad about it.

I have lots of friends, who are blessed with the quality of calling a spade to be a spade & most of them are gifted with razor sharp tongues. But Megha, is persistent like hell. If you are a friend, and are hell bent on messing your life. She doesn't give up. She will drag you by the hair & make you sit up & notice what mess are you making out of your life. She will help you clean it, but only if if you give her the chance.

She also happens to be one of the most sarcastic, funny & chilled-out girls I have ever come across in my life. We had hit off really well since the first day! No wonder, she is a leo!! ;)

Since the day we have been friends, she has seen me going through so many ups & downs, and never once did she leave my side. She never said that "il always be there" but she always was. And more than anything else, she believed in my strength when I myself had question marks about it.

I will never be able to put it in words, what she means to me today. What it means when she happens to be the first person to read all my posts. What it means to plan a movie marathon to cheer me up. what it means to come for a night-stay when I come to to visit Neha. What it means to gift me "Marley & me". And above everything else, what it means to love me for what I am. In spite of whatever I am.

If today I can post an entry like my last one, then its somewhere because of Megha. All my friends have always played their part in the best way. But for a person who didn't even know me for even an year. Whatever she did, is invaluable. Once agian, Neha Gupta made me meet one of the most amazing person I have known in my life.

Today, Megha, Neha & I are three close friends (who megha likes calling three musketeers!). And as she says, amongst us, Neha is the eternal pessimist, I am the eternal optimist & Megha is the Realist. Today I couldn't have agreed more with her. That's the role three of us play, and that too to the hilt!

Moving on

This term is so loosely used that today when ever you mention these words to someone people tend to think that its about a romantic relationship. Lot of times I ask my freinds to move on. And all the times its not about some romance (or love or liking ,anything you may want to call that feeling) going out of the window. For me moving on is accepting that something you really wanted to work, didn't work. And it may be anything. It may be your first love. It may be what you are right now thinking is your last love. It may be your life's savings. It may be you precious job. It may be your biggest exam. It can be anything you had put your heart & soul into & you saw it crashing right in front of your eyes. Worse, it crashed when your eyes were closed because you either blindly trusted people or you just didn't pay attention to something really important as your eyes were on something else.

When we make a wish, that may be big that may be small, you really want it to happen. And when it doesn't happen it hurts. But for how long it hurts depends on you & only you. If you want to sit down & keep crying about it or probably cling to that silver lining which is not really silver but grey then you are just adding more mess to your life than there already is. It hurts to accept that what was so dear to your is no longer a reason for your smile. Its okay, but why are people hell-bent in making it now a reason to cry.

Reading this, lots of my friends will raise their eye brows & probably say "look who's talking"!! Agreed, that whatever i feel in my life, be it my desire to have ice-cream or my trip to a place or my job or the guy i would want to be or be it the the cute looking guy in the movie shopaholic , i always feel really strongly. Even if its a small thing. So if I really feel like having chocolate doughnut i will leave everything & go and have it. For whatever reason, if i am not able to have it. I feel sad, angry, furious, restless and even haunted! Everyone who knows well enough , know s this is the case with everything i wish for. Small or big, doesn't matter. And when a wish doesn't come true, it just hurts.

It hurts to see that the exam you studied for didn't go well.
It hurts to know that someone you called your best friend betrayed your trust & of the people around you.
It hurts to lose the chance to be a part of your dream institute.
It hurts to see the person you so wanted to be with is with someone else.
It hurts to know that what you thought to be true was false.
It hurts to wait for the girl you have loved your entire life to be married to someone else.
It hurts to see that the person you mentored stabbed you in the back.
It hurts to realise that job you so wanted went to someone else.
It hurts to know that your own friends were waiting for your down-fall.
It hurts to wait for the day you know will never come.

For me, it even hurts to know that I can't have the flavour of the ice-cream i so FELT like having at that moment.
It hurts to know that my bank balance doesn't allow me to buy that awesome jacket i saw at the store.
It hurts to know that i can't go to meet my friends staying out of Delhi as & when i want.
It hurts to know that the battery of my phone drains like sand slips from your hand.
It hurts to have a bad throat when i really want to bitch with my best friend for hours & hours.
It hurts to realise that i cant go to Goa every month.
It hurts to know that the money in my account finishes as soon as it comes.

Basically, when you want something to happen, and it doesn't happen or it happens but it goes wrong, it hurts. And when it hurts you, only you know how bad it is. Lot of times people tell me "you don't know" or "you don't understand". Of course I don't. Why will I? How will I? Is it my wish which didn't come true? No. Then obviously it doesn't hurt me.

But everything in life doesn't last. The trick is to decide whether you want to treat it like recession or you want to make it a depression. If you think its just a phase, it will pass. But if think its the end, then you will make it the end. And when a desire becomes an obsession, no one comes to know. The line is so blurred that even the most experienced people don't realise when they cross this line.

Its all about accepting. Accepting that you went wrong. People went wrong. Situations went wrong. And things didn't work out. But life moves on. And for the better. I am not saying that when you want something don't work towards it. Bend backwards to make it happen. But if even after that it doesn't happen. Just accept & move on. Nothing & no one in life is worth bringing your life to a halt.

Yesterday i was blasting a friend of mine. For not accepting that a girl he so madly loves has gone or is going. It hurts. Agreed. But only the person who is into it can put that full-stop. No one can do it for you. People can help you do it, if you give them the chance. But only you can break the damn vicious circle. And when people quote me the time they have spent with the other person they no longer are with. I just wonder how does that matter. Agreed, more memories, more pain, more time you take. But you need to start at least. And its a circle remember? You never know when it started, you never know when it will it end. For some the radius of the circle is bigger (read the no. of days, weeks, months or years they were with that other person). But that's the beauty of a circle, you will never know how many rounds have you taken. One person's one round (say with a bigger radius) can be equal to another person's 10 rounds (with smaller radius). So keep going on and on for as long as you want to. But in the end it was just hurts a lot. The sooner you break it, the better it will be. Its like the case of "five more minute" sleep. You know the situation i s going to be exactly the same 5 minutes later. If you think you have to do it, then do it now. The willingness & the confidence that yes you can break this circle has to come from within you.

The most amazing thing about life is, that it moves on. No matter how hard you may try to stop it. If we look back today, we will find that our life has changed so much over the period of time. Exactly six months ago, what mattered to me the most doesn't matter to me today at all. Same is the case with six months before that. Life is a yo-yo. It goes up. It goes down. but for heaven's sake at least let it go up & down. Don't bring it to a halt. At times its important to rip-off the band-aid. Only then can the wound heal.

smile!

Today seems to be such a nice, bright & happy day!!! And i just can't stop giggling. I don't know why!!! Probably because i am very happy!!!! Whatever it may be, but i m loving it.
So no oh-so senti post today!!!
Just a thought.. how easily we become happy even if is for no ryhme or reason!!!
But who cares, as far as the smile is there!! :)