Death. It seems to be a word, no one wishes to be associated with. I feel that its a far bigger truth than even birth. Death is what brings everything to its destination. Death is what makes people realise the importance of the person who is no longer there. And even those who are still there.
My best friend's grandma expired today. Feeling sorry for her. But the fact is that only the person who has lost a dear one knows the loss.
After i reached back home from office, i asked a very simple question to mom, like a kid, "why do all old people die in march? Is there an year ending for god as well?". My own grand mother died in March three years ago. And iv noticed this, lot of old people around me have gone in March. Mom said its probably because March is just after winters. Old age & winter don't go along well.
I don't know what the reason is but bearing the pain of a loved one's death that is the most painful thing, i think.
One moment the person was there with you. The other moment the person has gone. Gone to never come back. These words sound so bookish. But once it happens to you, you actually realise what it means. This experience just changes you.
As a kid, I had seen lot of close relatives passing away. But only when my Nani died just a night before my college farewell did i actually realise what's death. Actually my nani died four days after that. For four days she was in comma. But for me she died the day she went to the hospital. I knew she will never come back. And i didn't even want her to come back as a vegetable. I loved her like hell. Still do. She was my room-mate. My friend. My girl-friend. My partner in crime. The love of my life. My opponent. My confidante. My biggest support. My biggest weakness. My support. My inspiration. So letting her go, watching her go was the most difficult phase of my life till now. But when i realised that either she will die or she will be bed ridden for the rest of her life. If that was the choice, then I wanted her to die. Till her last breath my nani was a fighter, i didn't want to keep her in front of my eyes & then let her lose everything shehad won. In fact i had not visited her her in hospital at all during the 4 days except for the time she was admitted. After that i had told everyone that i will never go to the hospital. Either i will meet her at home or for me she has already gone. The day, wen she died at night,that day i felt so light the whole day. But i could not figure out why. But a night before i had told myself that i will go and meet nani tomorrow. That's the last thing i thought before sleeping. Next day even when people said go tomorrow, i insisted on going that very day. And i am glad i heard my intuition & didn't question or analyse it. That was the last day my nani lived. An hour or so after i met her, she took her last breath.
My nani was probably waiting for me to go & kiss her good bye. Everyone had gone, but not me. And she knew i would have always been angry had she left without meeting me. That day i realised how difficult is to let some one go. But at the same time, specially when the person is in pain, its best to let them go. It still hurts a lot. It took me two years to overcome her death. Two years i cried myself to sleep almost everyday. One day i cried with my head on my mom's lap. I cried like a baby.
Since that day i have hardly crying missing nani. I miss her, when i think of those moments, i just smile. I still love her. And she loves me too. I can now actually feel that she looks over me. Three years ago I got my own guardian angel.
16th May'08 one of my best friends got her too.
Today, my other best friend did.
March 17, 2009
March 14, 2009
Thank you friends!
Although almost my weekends are fun & happy but yesterday was all the more amazing! I met friends who can do ANYTHING to bring a smile on my face. And by the time the day came to an end I once again realised that iv been blessed with the most amazing set of friends!!! I am sure all of us feel the same for our friends but at the cost of sounding boastful I can say that no one can beat MY friends!! Not only do i have quality but also quantity!!!!!
At times I feel, that its my friends only who have made me the Kamna I am today. Of course my family, teachers & mentor do share this place but my friends have handled me at my absolute best & absolute worst, that too beautifully.
They have made me so used to so much love, care & attention all the time that not only they but somewhere even I cant stand it when someone treats me like an unwanted object in their life. I am not an attention freak but somehow I'm now so used to getting so much attention all the time that any less attention than this is something very unusual for me. This doesn't mean that i am always treated like a queen. But yes, not less than a princess certainly. You see there is a difference.
Having said that, my friends are the first people to say NO to me when they think i am being unreasonable. They are the first ones to show me the mirror. They are the first ones to tell me to improve if i am trying to make too high aims. And they are also the first ones to stop me when i think of settling for anything less than i deserve.
They are the first people to come & pull my hand when they see that I'm hell bent on burning it. But what makes them amazing is that if i will still insist on having my own way (which is what i mostly do) then they don't stop me instead try their best that they are the ones who are proved wrong in the end. Yes they try to lose to make me win. But even after everything if i do burn my hand, they are the first few people to rush and pull my burnt hand out of the fire. But will never say that that "see we told you". Instead they will tell me, "I am glad you did what you wanted to. Its important to burn your hand at times".
And then so sweetly they will all gather around me & treat me like a baby. They will make sure that this baby who was howling till a lil while ago has the most amazing smile on her face. They never rest, till this smile is back. Thank you Friends!
So this post is to thank all those friends of mine who bring a smile on my face with the small & big things they do for me.
The friend who will take off her own earrings & give to me if i like them!
The friend who bothers himself so much late at night to give my blog a new look!
The friend who will drive for 80KMs in spite of not being well just to get a surprise from me!
The friend who will call me almost every morning asking if we can meet, even if we met just the last day.
The friend who will ask me to accompany her to a holi party every year even when she knows that i hate holi!
The friend who will not let me go to sleep with tears in my eyes, even if she herself is capable of crying while sleeping!
The friend who calls me the most amazing girl he knows!
The friend with whom all my answers lead to another question from him!
The friend whom i call a "doggie" but who will instead make me run with him in the middle of the road to save his momos from a greedy doggie!
The friend who calls me "a set-top box" or "tata free flow namak" and he is soon gonna come up with more I'm sure!
The friend who thinks i had cholera when i actually had typhoid!
The friend who will always drag me to buy a cigarette with him every time we meet, even when that's after days or months!
The friend who will try his best to get tea or coffee made for me in a pub, when am not well!
The friend who will very sweetly hold a karlsberg bottle in hand & say "ek sip to pi le".
The friend who will make me have gol-gappas when i go to meet her.
The friend who will write the sweetest poem for me.
The friend who will plan a movie-marathon with me & for me, & thus gift me with one of the most memorable days!
The friend who will come & gift me with something I so wanted to have but still hadn't started searching for.
The friend who always let me even abuse her but will never say anything to me or listen to anything against me.
The friend who will insist on dropping me back home in late evening even when she herself doesn't know the way back!
The friend who never meets me but will come all the way to wish me before a major exam!
The friend who will come dressed in a saree to surprise me when i am not well!
The friend who will send me to buy a match box for him so that he can have his sutta.
The friend who will leave a chocolate on top of my bag whenever he knows that i feel like having one.
The friend who will expect me to jump from the back seat to the front seat of her car, and laughs out like hell when i actually do that!
The friend who will make a hookah when i go to her place but will not force me to have it if i don't want to.
The friend who will give too much head-room in the pictures he clicks!
The friend who sends me the most beautiful birthday cards ever!
The friend who is ready to bet his hard-earned money on the question if its "he is just not that into you" or its "she is just not that into you"!
The friends who fight amongst themselves as to who will be the best man at my wedding!
The friend who vanishes from the face of this planet then puts the blame on me!
The friend who will meet me after months, & not a crib that a girl like me who is known to have great keeping in touch skills doesn't keep in touch with her.
The friend who asks me to have Pepsi when we both are feeling low!
The friend who leaves this world after leaving a message for me to keep smiling.
All these & many more friends, who touch my life in the beautiful manner that they do. If friends weighed in gold. I would have probably been the richest person on this planet. :)
At times I feel, that its my friends only who have made me the Kamna I am today. Of course my family, teachers & mentor do share this place but my friends have handled me at my absolute best & absolute worst, that too beautifully.
They have made me so used to so much love, care & attention all the time that not only they but somewhere even I cant stand it when someone treats me like an unwanted object in their life. I am not an attention freak but somehow I'm now so used to getting so much attention all the time that any less attention than this is something very unusual for me. This doesn't mean that i am always treated like a queen. But yes, not less than a princess certainly. You see there is a difference.
Having said that, my friends are the first people to say NO to me when they think i am being unreasonable. They are the first ones to show me the mirror. They are the first ones to tell me to improve if i am trying to make too high aims. And they are also the first ones to stop me when i think of settling for anything less than i deserve.
They are the first people to come & pull my hand when they see that I'm hell bent on burning it. But what makes them amazing is that if i will still insist on having my own way (which is what i mostly do) then they don't stop me instead try their best that they are the ones who are proved wrong in the end. Yes they try to lose to make me win. But even after everything if i do burn my hand, they are the first few people to rush and pull my burnt hand out of the fire. But will never say that that "see we told you". Instead they will tell me, "I am glad you did what you wanted to. Its important to burn your hand at times".
And then so sweetly they will all gather around me & treat me like a baby. They will make sure that this baby who was howling till a lil while ago has the most amazing smile on her face. They never rest, till this smile is back. Thank you Friends!
So this post is to thank all those friends of mine who bring a smile on my face with the small & big things they do for me.
The friend who will take off her own earrings & give to me if i like them!
The friend who bothers himself so much late at night to give my blog a new look!
The friend who will drive for 80KMs in spite of not being well just to get a surprise from me!
The friend who will call me almost every morning asking if we can meet, even if we met just the last day.
The friend who will ask me to accompany her to a holi party every year even when she knows that i hate holi!
The friend who will not let me go to sleep with tears in my eyes, even if she herself is capable of crying while sleeping!
The friend who calls me the most amazing girl he knows!
The friend with whom all my answers lead to another question from him!
The friend whom i call a "doggie" but who will instead make me run with him in the middle of the road to save his momos from a greedy doggie!
The friend who calls me "a set-top box" or "tata free flow namak" and he is soon gonna come up with more I'm sure!
The friend who thinks i had cholera when i actually had typhoid!
The friend who will always drag me to buy a cigarette with him every time we meet, even when that's after days or months!
The friend who will try his best to get tea or coffee made for me in a pub, when am not well!
The friend who will very sweetly hold a karlsberg bottle in hand & say "ek sip to pi le".
The friend who will make me have gol-gappas when i go to meet her.
The friend who will write the sweetest poem for me.
The friend who will plan a movie-marathon with me & for me, & thus gift me with one of the most memorable days!
The friend who will come & gift me with something I so wanted to have but still hadn't started searching for.
The friend who always let me even abuse her but will never say anything to me or listen to anything against me.
The friend who will insist on dropping me back home in late evening even when she herself doesn't know the way back!
The friend who never meets me but will come all the way to wish me before a major exam!
The friend who will come dressed in a saree to surprise me when i am not well!
The friend who will send me to buy a match box for him so that he can have his sutta.
The friend who will leave a chocolate on top of my bag whenever he knows that i feel like having one.
The friend who will expect me to jump from the back seat to the front seat of her car, and laughs out like hell when i actually do that!
The friend who will make a hookah when i go to her place but will not force me to have it if i don't want to.
The friend who will give too much head-room in the pictures he clicks!
The friend who takes me along to goa just like that!
The friend who sends me the most beautiful birthday cards ever!
The friend who is ready to bet his hard-earned money on the question if its "he is just not that into you" or its "she is just not that into you"!
The friends who fight amongst themselves as to who will be the best man at my wedding!
The friend who vanishes from the face of this planet then puts the blame on me!
The friend who will meet me after months, & not a crib that a girl like me who is known to have great keeping in touch skills doesn't keep in touch with her.
The friend who asks me to have Pepsi when we both are feeling low!
The friend who leaves this world after leaving a message for me to keep smiling.
All these & many more friends, who touch my life in the beautiful manner that they do. If friends weighed in gold. I would have probably been the richest person on this planet. :)
March 11, 2009
The three most beautiful years of my life..
Don't know why but missing college a lot today. It was the best time of life.
Felt so nostalgic that ended up writing a note on facebook. But how can facebook have something which my blog doesn't!!! Here its goes:
The three most beautiful years of my life..
Those were the days...
When the college reopened in July,
And we settled in OUR studio.
When we queued up in the office to get our i-cards renewed,
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to reach for VK's class at 8:40,
and those who didn’t somehow managed to sneak in.
We learnt making notes in the SMS lingo (if at all we made),
And saw our teachers progressing from PPT to FCP..
We started first with getting notes photocopied,
and advanced to posting them on the yahoo group.
The same group which today no one uses.
When we fought with one another over i-macs & e-macs,
PD-170s & edit bays during & after the shoots.
When we used to be scared of touching things in the studio,
As they always had a price tag attached!
A price we couldn’t afford to pay!
When we had lunch in classrooms, stairs, canteen, under the trouble tree,
but not in the studio,
still don’t why but the studio used to smell of choco-chip cookies!
When a Simon's class in the week's Time Table,
was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!!!!
When Vikrant Sir used to get home cooked lunch for us,
When Yogi Mam use to call everyone home to either blast or treat us, or both!
When Laili Mam used to chat with us like just one of us girls!
When we used to watch movies in the studio,
lying down on floor,
but always keeping an eye on the door.
When few rushed at 10 to "Conquer" back rest for the saturday workshops.
When we used to walk out of workshops,
Since we didn’t like the guest’s “attitude”!
When hindi classes almost always called for a Mass bunk.
Computer classes were considered useless,
as we always thought “what will you teach a Pro!”
When cut-copy-paste were our favorite commands!
When our reviews were returned with “Copied from the net. Came & meet” written on them!When our productions were our babies & “jugaad” was our middle name.
When our group was the best group, if we made them.
And the worst group, if Vikrant sir made them!
When the NCR gang used to be first to land up in college,
And the Camp ones were the last ones to enter!
When committees were formed for Misce-en-scene, Parampara, and Kshitij ki aore.
And the one-month long preparations for them.
When we had no money in our pockets.And even ate at hospital’s canteens.
When we used to conti for MCD’s burgers!
Or get a cake for Vikrant Sir from Sethi’s, when we felt that we have let him down.
When we went to kashmiri gate metro station 2 have a burger,
Or the Exchange store to have a muffin!
When we had stressful productions, internships and EXAMS,
But enjoyed every bit of it!
When we used to work from early morning to night,
Sometimes even seven days a week,
And felt extremely proud of ourself!
When the whole college considered the BMMMC girls to be the most arrogant,
snobbish & bitchy females born on this planet,
And we knew they are not only right but also JEALOUS!!!!
When we studied just to pass.
Now we study to save our job or clear entrance exams.
Gone are the days when we truly belonged to a recession-proof world!
When we used to talk for hours with our friends.
Now we don't have time to say a HI.
When we sat to chat with friends on stairs or the studio floor.
Now we its just the facebooks or gtalks where we chat!
When we shouted on the road, sat on the floor!
Today we have “cushion-jobs” with our very own workstations!
But no time to connect with those friends,
who at point were the most important people in our life.
When we learnt, we enjoyed,
we played, we sang,
we won, we lost,
we laughed, we cried,
we fought, we thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So many crushes, so many heart breaks,
So many bitching sessions, so many stories,
So many wishes, so many dreams,
So much of love, so much trust,
So much experience, all this and more.
Those were the days, the best days of my life.
When life was so simple,
so true & honest.
When we were not scared to love, to trust,
to lose, to let go,
to give, to receive,
to trip, to fall,
to fumble, to stumble,
to just take life each day at a time.
Gone are those days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever, ever and ever.
Felt so nostalgic that ended up writing a note on facebook. But how can facebook have something which my blog doesn't!!! Here its goes:
The three most beautiful years of my life..
Those were the days...
When the college reopened in July,
And we settled in OUR studio.
When we queued up in the office to get our i-cards renewed,
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to reach for VK's class at 8:40,
and those who didn’t somehow managed to sneak in.
We learnt making notes in the SMS lingo (if at all we made),
And saw our teachers progressing from PPT to FCP..
We started first with getting notes photocopied,
and advanced to posting them on the yahoo group.
The same group which today no one uses.
When we fought with one another over i-macs & e-macs,
PD-170s & edit bays during & after the shoots.
When we used to be scared of touching things in the studio,
As they always had a price tag attached!
A price we couldn’t afford to pay!
When we had lunch in classrooms, stairs, canteen, under the trouble tree,
but not in the studio,
still don’t why but the studio used to smell of choco-chip cookies!
When a Simon's class in the week's Time Table,
was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!!!!
When Vikrant Sir used to get home cooked lunch for us,
When Yogi Mam use to call everyone home to either blast or treat us, or both!
When Laili Mam used to chat with us like just one of us girls!
When we used to watch movies in the studio,
lying down on floor,
but always keeping an eye on the door.
When few rushed at 10 to "Conquer" back rest for the saturday workshops.
When we used to walk out of workshops,
Since we didn’t like the guest’s “attitude”!
When hindi classes almost always called for a Mass bunk.
Computer classes were considered useless,
as we always thought “what will you teach a Pro!”
When cut-copy-paste were our favorite commands!
When our reviews were returned with “Copied from the net. Came & meet” written on them!When our productions were our babies & “jugaad” was our middle name.
When our group was the best group, if we made them.
And the worst group, if Vikrant sir made them!
When the NCR gang used to be first to land up in college,
And the Camp ones were the last ones to enter!
When committees were formed for Misce-en-scene, Parampara, and Kshitij ki aore.
And the one-month long preparations for them.
When we had no money in our pockets.And even ate at hospital’s canteens.
When we used to conti for MCD’s burgers!
Or get a cake for Vikrant Sir from Sethi’s, when we felt that we have let him down.
When we went to kashmiri gate metro station 2 have a burger,
Or the Exchange store to have a muffin!
When we had stressful productions, internships and EXAMS,
But enjoyed every bit of it!
When we used to work from early morning to night,
Sometimes even seven days a week,
And felt extremely proud of ourself!
When the whole college considered the BMMMC girls to be the most arrogant,
snobbish & bitchy females born on this planet,
And we knew they are not only right but also JEALOUS!!!!
When we studied just to pass.
Now we study to save our job or clear entrance exams.
Gone are the days when we truly belonged to a recession-proof world!
When we used to talk for hours with our friends.
Now we don't have time to say a HI.
When we sat to chat with friends on stairs or the studio floor.
Now we its just the facebooks or gtalks where we chat!
When we shouted on the road, sat on the floor!
Today we have “cushion-jobs” with our very own workstations!
But no time to connect with those friends,
who at point were the most important people in our life.
When we learnt, we enjoyed,
we played, we sang,
we won, we lost,
we laughed, we cried,
we fought, we thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So many crushes, so many heart breaks,
So many bitching sessions, so many stories,
So many wishes, so many dreams,
So much of love, so much trust,
So much experience, all this and more.
Those were the days, the best days of my life.
When life was so simple,
so true & honest.
When we were not scared to love, to trust,
to lose, to let go,
to give, to receive,
to trip, to fall,
to fumble, to stumble,
to just take life each day at a time.
Gone are those days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever, ever and ever.
March 9, 2009
let it be..
We hear this term & use it so many times that more often than not we don't realise if we are using it for a person, a feeling, a thing or a situation. We all feel that by just letting some one or something be, things will be fine if they already aren't.
It was only day before i actually realised what it really does mean to let something be. On my way back from office something fell in my eye. There was a lot of dust on the road. And just as i reached home I rushed to the bathroom to wash my eye as it was hurting very badly. Wasn't even able to open the eye properly. Mom kept saying that wash it with lot of water. I washed it with buckets & buckets of water. It just became this better that i could open the eye. And then blink at the speed i talk! Kept rubbing it, mom kept asking me not do so. Not only it was hurting me, but it was irritating me badly since i didn't know what was hurting me, where was it and how could i take it out & free myself from that pain. And once again see everything clearly. I even tried to make myself cry thinking that with tears whatever that is there will go away. But that's the best thing about tears. They will never come when you so want them to come. They will always be unstoppable when they should not even peek outside the eye. Anyways, I kept rubbing the eye. Then my mom told me finally not to rub it otherwise i might cause myself internal injury. And healing that wound inside the eye may be difficult. Like a lil child i got so scared! She said since i have already washed it, if i just let it be, it will be fine in sometime. I did just that. Was still irritated. And I was justified in being so. Not only was it hurting me but it was constantly pricking me in the eye. With time it became better. I was even able to read. I got distracted & stopped thinking that something is hurting me.
When got up in the morning, i could just remember that something fell in my eye the previous day. It was no longer hurting. No longer pricking me.
Thinking about all this, i just smiled. I have always believed that god tries to talk to us through various ways. And he probably spoke to me. Told me something very important. When you are not able to understand what is pricking you constantly. You really have no clue as to when & how will it stop hurting. Just let it be. In the end everything is always alright. If its not alright, then its still not the end.
The first step..
With this post, I take my first step in the world of blogging. Like almost everything in my life, this was a very impulsive decision. And like it has been with most of my first steps (and almost all the last ones) its my best friend Geetanjali who has brought me here.
Thanks Geetanjali! :)
Thanks Geetanjali! :)
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