Death. It seems to be a word, no one wishes to be associated with. I feel that its a far bigger truth than even birth. Death is what brings everything to its destination. Death is what makes people realise the importance of the person who is no longer there. And even those who are still there.
My best friend's grandma expired today. Feeling sorry for her. But the fact is that only the person who has lost a dear one knows the loss.
After i reached back home from office, i asked a very simple question to mom, like a kid, "why do all old people die in march? Is there an year ending for god as well?". My own grand mother died in March three years ago. And iv noticed this, lot of old people around me have gone in March. Mom said its probably because March is just after winters. Old age & winter don't go along well.
I don't know what the reason is but bearing the pain of a loved one's death that is the most painful thing, i think.
One moment the person was there with you. The other moment the person has gone. Gone to never come back. These words sound so bookish. But once it happens to you, you actually realise what it means. This experience just changes you.
As a kid, I had seen lot of close relatives passing away. But only when my Nani died just a night before my college farewell did i actually realise what's death. Actually my nani died four days after that. For four days she was in comma. But for me she died the day she went to the hospital. I knew she will never come back. And i didn't even want her to come back as a vegetable. I loved her like hell. Still do. She was my room-mate. My friend. My girl-friend. My partner in crime. The love of my life. My opponent. My confidante. My biggest support. My biggest weakness. My support. My inspiration. So letting her go, watching her go was the most difficult phase of my life till now. But when i realised that either she will die or she will be bed ridden for the rest of her life. If that was the choice, then I wanted her to die. Till her last breath my nani was a fighter, i didn't want to keep her in front of my eyes & then let her lose everything shehad won. In fact i had not visited her her in hospital at all during the 4 days except for the time she was admitted. After that i had told everyone that i will never go to the hospital. Either i will meet her at home or for me she has already gone. The day, wen she died at night,that day i felt so light the whole day. But i could not figure out why. But a night before i had told myself that i will go and meet nani tomorrow. That's the last thing i thought before sleeping. Next day even when people said go tomorrow, i insisted on going that very day. And i am glad i heard my intuition & didn't question or analyse it. That was the last day my nani lived. An hour or so after i met her, she took her last breath.
My nani was probably waiting for me to go & kiss her good bye. Everyone had gone, but not me. And she knew i would have always been angry had she left without meeting me. That day i realised how difficult is to let some one go. But at the same time, specially when the person is in pain, its best to let them go. It still hurts a lot. It took me two years to overcome her death. Two years i cried myself to sleep almost everyday. One day i cried with my head on my mom's lap. I cried like a baby.
Since that day i have hardly crying missing nani. I miss her, when i think of those moments, i just smile. I still love her. And she loves me too. I can now actually feel that she looks over me. Three years ago I got my own guardian angel.
16th May'08 one of my best friends got her too.
Today, my other best friend did.
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