my first job!

Since the time I started working I always used to wonder if il ever be able to leave my first job without having to break the bonds I had made there, and today when I have been able to do that I couldn’t have been more happier. Moving on without the feeling of leaving anything behind is beautiful. Having said that, nothing can ever compensate for the moments which would have become beautiful memories, had I been there. I will have another job but I am not sure if will ever have another family like I did when I left college to start out all by myself. God couldn’t have been more kind. A lil girl just out college, still trying to recover from a personal tragedy was blessed with another family. All these years I have spent at Indus have been truly beautiful & probably the most enriching period of my life. The place which made me a lady from a 20 year old girl who was so unsure about so many things in life. The place which always treated me like one of the "boyz"!

Above all, Indus gave me my mentor. The person who by practice taught me that if you know what you are doing & you have the courage to see any plan back-fire then there is no reason why you can’t rebuild whatever you may lose by taking a chance. Eternal optimists we are, and couldn’t have been more proud of it. So many times we both have been so disappointed because of believing in the goodness of life & people around us but we still believe that it was & shall always be worth it. It’s always better to be disappointed in the end than be hopeless from the beginning. As I once said, “I am small subset of the bigger set called Pradeep Kant.” No one in this whole world is so similar to me as Pradeep is.

It still needs to sink in that every morning I don’t have to go to Nehru Place. I no longer look forward to reaching office & eating my favourite anda parantha or bread omlette. The pattern which had formed in the last three and a half years will take a lot of time to fade out. So many things which I had got so used to doing every day, I just cant do any longer. Going to my favourite Costa outlet & having the almond pastry with Ayesha. Or having the Darjeeling tea with her. Asking Nishant to get me a chocolate. And telling him that god never made him a chocolate boy, but I did!! Or giving a self-awakening lecture to Ajay. Or going to Pradeep and asking him the dumbest possible question knowing that no matter how dumb it would be he would still reply to each question of mine. Certainly not without giving me the best possible expression as a reaction of how dumb could I be!!! On my first day he told me that “you are allowed to ask me 1000 questions but I will never answer a dumb question”, but still I tricked him to answer so many such questions all this while.

Today when I am away I still know that I am not apart from the family PK has made in the form of indus. And I shall never be. But somehow it will take me a long time to get used to without having to meet my favourite people every single day. Not meeting the boss, who certainly is the best boss in the world. Each & every friend of my mine envied me for having a boss like him. And it was not just because they all thought that he looks like a million bucks!!! ;)

Not going after Nishant’s life & telling him what a looser he is & with each word of mine bringing his worth all the more down.
Not fighting with Ajay & making him realize how he made such a mistake by once teaching me so many small lil secrets of the trade.

Not having to fight at lunch with Prakash & Rauthan for not ordering from Lala.

And not having to make Ayesha say “sorry shaktiman”!!

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, all first things are & shall always be very special to me. My first job, my first boss, my first day at work, my first set of collegues, my first mail to a client, and all such firsts shall always hold a special place in my heart. Indus has now become as special to me as my college. No matter how much time goes by, it shall always feel like yesterday. And shall be always as special as it always was. And ever day I will miss it as bad as I did one the first morning when I didn’t have to get up to go to office.

Peace

Nothing left to prove,

nothing left to say,
nothing which has to be pushed to make it move,
finally nothing to keep me away!

No longer do I live for a day which might never come,
Iv begun to enjoy the today, even if its not all but just some.

If the today is so nice,
I see no reason why my tomorrow would be anything otherwise!

Finally, the eternal optimist in me has woken up again!!!! :)

Fairytales!!!

In 32 days the Google-Microsoft match is finally gonna take place. The wedding i have been waiting for since very long now. Geetanjali, the friend who has this knack of seeing through my actions with brilliance. My biggest critic. My biggest strength. And my most honest friend. My polar opposite. Calm, quiet & truly a person of few words. But since the day we became friends, its been a journey with so many cherished memories. The mere thought of seeing her as a bride fills my eyes with tears. The same 8th standard looking girl who used to share sunkey aloo with me in college is now gonna be Mrs. Geetanjali Garg in just 32 days!!!!!!!! Although il miss her a lot when she will go to Hyderabad but the very fact that she is gonna be with Manas for the rest of her life makes me feel so happy for both of them. Manas & Geetanjali have truly made me believe that when two people want to spend their life together then nothing in this world can really stop them. No distance. No time. Just nothing can let you be apart if you both are equally sure about each other. And that's what both of them have been. It was certainly not a cake walk to bring everything & everyone around, but as Suvidha says "if you want something then you might as well want it badly enough"!! :)


This makes me connect another dot. Suvidha & her Shriram! How they met was truly so filmy!!!! Right infront of me & geetanjali!! Suvidha also would relate to geetanjali's feelings when she says "At that time, Manas was probably the last person in the world I'd go out with :P". That day none of us would have thought that two people so different from each other like Shriram & Suvidha would soon end up dating each other & then eventually getting married. But today when they are together, one finds that no other two people could have been more perfect for each other. My mirror image truly found her perfect match & how!!

Now comes my rockstar!! Yesssss Roli, thats what i fondly call her. Once again so different from her better half, Pranav. But when one sees both of them, you just cant help but say that "wow, i wish i have a marriage like that"!!! Such amazing understanding & sense of comfort in one's skin & each other's presence is truly amazing & hard to find in the world where people are constantly trying to change each other. Roli is my only friend who had an arranged marriage. But when i look at her & Pranav together all i tell roli is "you married the best man"!!!! I guess that sums up all!!! :)


And then comes the couple who would never make you feel that they are married, instead if you visit their place you get a feeling as if they are just living-in together. Having said that, they complement each other so well that one can't help but say "awwwww". Yes that has to be Mahima & Ankit. A couple who are more like friends when they are with friends & yet play their roles to the hilt when it comes to spending family time!

And now comes someone whom i have looked up to since the day we met. My boss, my mentor & my friend. How over these three and a half years he played these three roles in my life is truly amazing. A person whom i can fall back on in life where ever i may go. Today he is finally hitched!!!! And I couldn't have been more thrilled because its Nupur!!!! No one deserves to be with this real dude more than her. Finally he did find his "monica"!!! :D


These are few couples who touch my life in their own ways almost everyday. And after meeting & seeing them together I feel that one day everything does fall into place & all those pieces which didn't, was because it was not their place. As Randy Pausch said in his book The Last Lecture before he died : “Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people.” :)

This post goes out for all these couples who always made me believe that each one of us have a fairy tale. Some just find theirs sooner than the others. :)

Silence

Felt like writing something after ages today. Its been a month since I posted last. No particular reason for this silence. Yes silence & not what people call the writer's block. I am not a writer. I am a reader who writes what she feels.

Now ME being silent is a big thing. Very big indeed. But contrary to popular belief I do I like being silent at times. "At times" being the key words here! ;)

Silence is not my default mode. But my system too does have that mode, its another thing that I don't let that mode to be activated often!

I love being silent when I am travelling with Shaina. We both love same kind of songs. And we listen to them, without saying a word to each other. For her its usual, you see she is a capricorn! But somehow at that moment, i just don't feel the need to talk. In fact, I think Shaina is the only person with whom I it can be silent! Capricorns oh Capricorns!!

I love being silent at times when I am going to gurgaon for my meetings. Most of these meetings are with my boss so we chat the whole way. But there are days when he talks less & I talk just a lil less than I otherwise do. With boss, I don't have to talk just for the heck of talking. Although he always listens to my non-stop yapping but I can afford to go silent in front of him, without the fear of having an awkward silence!

I love being silent when someone breaks my trust in small lil pieces and brings the pieces to me putting the message loud & clear. At such moments a short-tempered girl like me who can scream at small lil things wants to just be silent & walks away holding the brownie box tightly in my hands not saying a word. Some times words just fail you. Yes they do even fail me!

I love being silent when I listen to some of my favourite songs! Even if I have heard them hundred and ten times before! But i still listen to each word with equal fondness as the first time or should I say the second time.

I love being silent when I look at the moon. Moon is my favourite. It makes me feel calm & at peace. And when I look at a full moon, all I say is "its beautiful"! Yes shaina even if it looks artificial to you.

I love being silent, when certain people who make me feel overwhelmed are sitting right in front me. But since the overwhelming feeling fades out, so does the desire to be silent.

I love being silent when I am listening to people who make me happy. Really Happy. Even if they dont realise how happy I am when they talk and I listen. And even if they dont accept that they talk as much as I do! And probably better than I do. :)

And I love being silent when I want to be with just myself, like everyone else does. And if at such moments I am travelling alone or i am at a beach then nothing like it!

So silent mode is there but its rarely activated!! And yes even for a person like me, silence is golden!!!!! This reminds me of what I had once said to someone, "silence is golden, but not when the other person's system is on UPS". And I love being silent when I know that i wont ever say it again to someone else.

College

I left home early today. The weather was beautiful. Not raining, but like it will rain any moment. And this is the perfect weather for me. I always feel that its more beautiful before it rains than when it actually does. The early morning time, the weather and me travelling on a rickshaw took me back in time. It made feel like I am going to college. And that made me so nostalgic but happy!

Its been three years since I started working & I absolutely love working but even today I miss college as much I missed it three years ago. It was the most beautiful phase of my life. College gave me a sense of identity, a direction, a purpose, a confidence to make my own choices & hell lot of friends. College changed me forever. And for the better.

It was the place which made me realise that when you really wanna do something, you do it. Come what may. When we used to have a production shoot lined up in two hours and we used to be doing our set, we knew that this set has to be put up, even if we don't have more than half the things to put it up. It was clear that it has to be done, even if it meant begging, borrowing or stealing things. This taught me what "Never say die" really means.

It was the place which helped me to zoom out & see things from a larger perspective. It taught me patience & persistence. I know I am not very patient in lot of things but I am extremely patient & persistent in many.It taught me to be humble & arrogant at the same time. It taught me to have a sense of clarity. It taught me how to live & love life minus the bullshit & pretence. It taught me say "yes". It taught me to say "no". And above all it taught me team spirit.

College gave me the confidence to take risks. The courage to put things at stake. And to go for the bait when the stakes are high.It taught me that its ok to make mistakes as long as you think that you have the strength to face the consequences.

It was the place where I met some of the most amazing people. People who were so comfortable in their own skin. All of them taught me how to live life on my own terms & be comfortable & proud of who I am.

It was the place which taught me how to be proud of being a girl, a woman or a lady whatever u may wanna call it. I was always happy that god made me a girl. But college taught me to be proud of it. And i don't mean college made me a feminist. I work with all men & I consider myself lucky for it. Some of the most amazing & genuine people I know today are men. But college made me confident enough to go ask for a pink stapler for my office table. I am a girl, I am proud of it & I am not shy about expressing it.


College made who I am & I truely love myself. So all the more reasons to smile while thinking about the most enriching period of my life.

Devil's Advocate

That's the role Megha plays in my life. She started out as my best friend's best friend. But today she is my best friend too. When I met her on 13th Sep '08 i never knew that so soon she will become so important in my life. Yes Megha, i remember the date! In fact, the T-shirt i am wearing right now is what i was wearing on that day! My habit of what you call "connecting the dots".

Probably god had sent her just at the right moment. Just before god knew i would really need her. And since that day she has played the part of showing me the mirror. The ugly job of taking off my rose-tinted glasses. Forcing me time & again to look at the world & people as they are & not as i want them to be. She kept trying till the day i didn't give in. At last I did. And I am glad about it.

I have lots of friends, who are blessed with the quality of calling a spade to be a spade & most of them are gifted with razor sharp tongues. But Megha, is persistent like hell. If you are a friend, and are hell bent on messing your life. She doesn't give up. She will drag you by the hair & make you sit up & notice what mess are you making out of your life. She will help you clean it, but only if if you give her the chance.

She also happens to be one of the most sarcastic, funny & chilled-out girls I have ever come across in my life. We had hit off really well since the first day! No wonder, she is a leo!! ;)

Since the day we have been friends, she has seen me going through so many ups & downs, and never once did she leave my side. She never said that "il always be there" but she always was. And more than anything else, she believed in my strength when I myself had question marks about it.

I will never be able to put it in words, what she means to me today. What it means when she happens to be the first person to read all my posts. What it means to plan a movie marathon to cheer me up. what it means to come for a night-stay when I come to to visit Neha. What it means to gift me "Marley & me". And above everything else, what it means to love me for what I am. In spite of whatever I am.

If today I can post an entry like my last one, then its somewhere because of Megha. All my friends have always played their part in the best way. But for a person who didn't even know me for even an year. Whatever she did, is invaluable. Once agian, Neha Gupta made me meet one of the most amazing person I have known in my life.

Today, Megha, Neha & I are three close friends (who megha likes calling three musketeers!). And as she says, amongst us, Neha is the eternal pessimist, I am the eternal optimist & Megha is the Realist. Today I couldn't have agreed more with her. That's the role three of us play, and that too to the hilt!

Moving on

This term is so loosely used that today when ever you mention these words to someone people tend to think that its about a romantic relationship. Lot of times I ask my freinds to move on. And all the times its not about some romance (or love or liking ,anything you may want to call that feeling) going out of the window. For me moving on is accepting that something you really wanted to work, didn't work. And it may be anything. It may be your first love. It may be what you are right now thinking is your last love. It may be your life's savings. It may be you precious job. It may be your biggest exam. It can be anything you had put your heart & soul into & you saw it crashing right in front of your eyes. Worse, it crashed when your eyes were closed because you either blindly trusted people or you just didn't pay attention to something really important as your eyes were on something else.

When we make a wish, that may be big that may be small, you really want it to happen. And when it doesn't happen it hurts. But for how long it hurts depends on you & only you. If you want to sit down & keep crying about it or probably cling to that silver lining which is not really silver but grey then you are just adding more mess to your life than there already is. It hurts to accept that what was so dear to your is no longer a reason for your smile. Its okay, but why are people hell-bent in making it now a reason to cry.

Reading this, lots of my friends will raise their eye brows & probably say "look who's talking"!! Agreed, that whatever i feel in my life, be it my desire to have ice-cream or my trip to a place or my job or the guy i would want to be or be it the the cute looking guy in the movie shopaholic , i always feel really strongly. Even if its a small thing. So if I really feel like having chocolate doughnut i will leave everything & go and have it. For whatever reason, if i am not able to have it. I feel sad, angry, furious, restless and even haunted! Everyone who knows well enough , know s this is the case with everything i wish for. Small or big, doesn't matter. And when a wish doesn't come true, it just hurts.

It hurts to see that the exam you studied for didn't go well.
It hurts to know that someone you called your best friend betrayed your trust & of the people around you.
It hurts to lose the chance to be a part of your dream institute.
It hurts to see the person you so wanted to be with is with someone else.
It hurts to know that what you thought to be true was false.
It hurts to wait for the girl you have loved your entire life to be married to someone else.
It hurts to see that the person you mentored stabbed you in the back.
It hurts to realise that job you so wanted went to someone else.
It hurts to know that your own friends were waiting for your down-fall.
It hurts to wait for the day you know will never come.

For me, it even hurts to know that I can't have the flavour of the ice-cream i so FELT like having at that moment.
It hurts to know that my bank balance doesn't allow me to buy that awesome jacket i saw at the store.
It hurts to know that i can't go to meet my friends staying out of Delhi as & when i want.
It hurts to know that the battery of my phone drains like sand slips from your hand.
It hurts to have a bad throat when i really want to bitch with my best friend for hours & hours.
It hurts to realise that i cant go to Goa every month.
It hurts to know that the money in my account finishes as soon as it comes.

Basically, when you want something to happen, and it doesn't happen or it happens but it goes wrong, it hurts. And when it hurts you, only you know how bad it is. Lot of times people tell me "you don't know" or "you don't understand". Of course I don't. Why will I? How will I? Is it my wish which didn't come true? No. Then obviously it doesn't hurt me.

But everything in life doesn't last. The trick is to decide whether you want to treat it like recession or you want to make it a depression. If you think its just a phase, it will pass. But if think its the end, then you will make it the end. And when a desire becomes an obsession, no one comes to know. The line is so blurred that even the most experienced people don't realise when they cross this line.

Its all about accepting. Accepting that you went wrong. People went wrong. Situations went wrong. And things didn't work out. But life moves on. And for the better. I am not saying that when you want something don't work towards it. Bend backwards to make it happen. But if even after that it doesn't happen. Just accept & move on. Nothing & no one in life is worth bringing your life to a halt.

Yesterday i was blasting a friend of mine. For not accepting that a girl he so madly loves has gone or is going. It hurts. Agreed. But only the person who is into it can put that full-stop. No one can do it for you. People can help you do it, if you give them the chance. But only you can break the damn vicious circle. And when people quote me the time they have spent with the other person they no longer are with. I just wonder how does that matter. Agreed, more memories, more pain, more time you take. But you need to start at least. And its a circle remember? You never know when it started, you never know when it will it end. For some the radius of the circle is bigger (read the no. of days, weeks, months or years they were with that other person). But that's the beauty of a circle, you will never know how many rounds have you taken. One person's one round (say with a bigger radius) can be equal to another person's 10 rounds (with smaller radius). So keep going on and on for as long as you want to. But in the end it was just hurts a lot. The sooner you break it, the better it will be. Its like the case of "five more minute" sleep. You know the situation i s going to be exactly the same 5 minutes later. If you think you have to do it, then do it now. The willingness & the confidence that yes you can break this circle has to come from within you.

The most amazing thing about life is, that it moves on. No matter how hard you may try to stop it. If we look back today, we will find that our life has changed so much over the period of time. Exactly six months ago, what mattered to me the most doesn't matter to me today at all. Same is the case with six months before that. Life is a yo-yo. It goes up. It goes down. but for heaven's sake at least let it go up & down. Don't bring it to a halt. At times its important to rip-off the band-aid. Only then can the wound heal.

smile!

Today seems to be such a nice, bright & happy day!!! And i just can't stop giggling. I don't know why!!! Probably because i am very happy!!!! Whatever it may be, but i m loving it.
So no oh-so senti post today!!!
Just a thought.. how easily we become happy even if is for no ryhme or reason!!!
But who cares, as far as the smile is there!! :)

My FIRST best friend!!!

The other day i was reading a quiz (reading not answering) and i came a cross a question "Who is your first best friend?" Had the term "first" not been there i would have listed so many names but since it was "first", it had to be Romi Roy.

A person like me who gives a hell lot of importance to the all the "firsts" in life couldn't have been more glad that my FIRST best friend is Romi. Sometimes we make choices in life which we can still be proud of even after 10 years. This seems to be a blessing when today we can't even be proud of some choices even after 10 months.

Although, there have been really close friends even before i met Romi, and when I say close friends i mean the best of friends. But when ever i have to name my first best friend, i always name her. She was the "first" friend who changed me for better. She showed me what I could be. She made me confident. Confident about myself. Confident about life. She made me overcome a lot of fears i used to have at that time. In fact she met me at one of my lowest points in life. Had it not been her, probably i wouldn't have been the Kamna today my so many other friends like as a person. Yet hardly any one of my friends have heard me talking about Romi like i yap about almost everyone else. Some people are very special. But ask my family & they will tell what you what Romi means for me. What she meant for me back then & what she means even today.

We were together only for an year, this seems to be so less in comparison to the time i have spent with all my other friends. But since when have people like us started weighing the worth of relationships in terms of the number of days spent with the other person. And not that we are not friends now..

When i had left Ambala almost ten years ago, I didn't know if i will ever meet Romi again. This was thanks to the fact that we both belong to army families. Infact today she is the only friend of mine who also happens to be an army officer's daughter. Its been 10 years, I still haven't met her as such but when three years ago I got back in touch with her I was just so happy. And now i do have this hope of meeting her someday. Meeting my FIRST best friend. For that either Calcutta will have to come to Delhi or Delhi will have to go there!!

Life has changed so much in the last years. We have changed so much in the last ten years that it will be amazing to see my childhood friend from a new perspective. That friend who had this habit of saying "By Jove"! Memories always seem so to be so fresh!!

Thanks Romi!! :)

Mirror Images

Yesterday was a very hectic day. So much of work that even if we would stayed the night in office it wouldn't have got finished. Suddenly i had to rush to Gurgaon, that too without eating anything. So obviously i wasn't feeling great, thanks to the hunger pangs. And it was so damn hot. To distract myself I started reading the book i was carrying (Puppet on a chain by Alistair Maclean). Couldn't have picked a better book, on a better day & in a better place. On my way towards the IFFCO chowk as i had the central mall on my right, i couldn't continue with the reading. I once again realised that this book i was reading wasn't mine. And when i had picked it, i had the intentions of returning it to the friend i had borrowed it from. Now its different. And i once again started cursing myself for this habit of relating things, people, places etc. etc.

After i recovered from my workload shock after my meeting, once again i started connecting the dots around me. It was time to call the person who has taught me in the last few months as to how to treat things as just things. Suvidha, my best friend & my mirror image. We are so similar that's its freaking. And the moment i called her & said "hi" she knew im not doing too well. and she just asked "Wat's up"? All i had to say was "I'm in gurgaon." Although i go to Gurgaon every other day but Suvidha knew what I really meant this time. She just knew I was not fine. And that's something she can never tolerate. And the moment she realised I am outside Central, MGF etc. she knew where i was headed to. And where this conversation is headed to. While talking to her I started missing the third member of our group, Geetanjali. She & I had so much fun in Metropoplitan sometime back. And I couldn't help but have a big smile. And i realised how easily our brain connects places & objects to people. And how easily it moves on. Like mine moved on from Central to MGF. And also how everything changes once you take a U-turn & come on the other side of the road.

But still i was pissed with this habit of mine which makes me connect everything to something or the other, someone or the other. Suvidha, instead felt that its a very nice thing. And what she said made me feel happy, proud & less apologetic about this habit. She was like " I am glad that you are still so sensitive to everything, that too towards small small things around you. At least you are not cold, you still feel bad and good about so many things. I would have been worried if you wouldn't have been feeling like this. Because that's not you, that was not you, and you are still you! And the best is that its not out of sight out of mind for you." After listening to her, i thought yes probably its a good thing. What is the harm in being sensitive to things, places & people. I have always been like this. And why should I feel bad about habits which make me what i am. But i certainly could have done without the last part of her sentence. But once again in life i felt so blessed to have her in my life. Once more Suvidha turned everything around. By the time I reached Nehru Place, both of us were giggling like crazy girls. But that's how we are. We are mirror images.

Although we have been best friends since a very long time but post September, after she got married, our friendship has matured all the more. Although I think that we have lost it all the more with each passing day!!! In the last six months or so, i have always looked up to her for support, advice, love, care & affection. She is one person who is so intuitive. I never have to tell her what will make me happy. She just knows it. That's why i probably initially don't tell her what i really want. One, I can't hide anything from her & two if she knows that something makes me happy, she will also want the same thing for me. And for both of us, either we get what we want or we don't want it at all. When we know that we deserve the bar of chocolate, why the hell will we settle for for Eclairs. Right Suvidha? Lot of people may call this being adamant. We call it "clarity". Of what we want & what we don't. We might not always get what we want, but we certainly don't settle for something we don't want. Good or bad but Suvidha & I just don't treat anything in life "casually". Having said that, Suvidha is one person who actually teaches me how to "chill"!!Lot of times she tells me, to just give myself a break. In between all the stupidities we do, Suvidha has taught me so much about life. That too while giggling!!!!!

And must say I have been a good student. This I realised when the other day while yapping on the phone, she asked to go switch on the TV & watch "how i met your mother". I said "no I don't want to watch it". She was like "Kamna its just a show!". And all i replied was "Exactly its just a show, a show I am not a regular viewer of. Why should I leave everything I am doing to watch it when I am not really in the mood to watch TV. And what i really want to do is to talk to my best friend, that exactly what I am doing." And although, i could not see her, but i knew she smiled at my reply. I am sure she must have felt proud that finally I did learn which she taught me. How to treat things as things. Just things. By watching it then, trying to prove a point, i would have actually defeated the whole purpose.

Thanks Suvidha, for everything you have done in all these years & more so in all these months. How you used to drag me to the farm thinking it will lift my mood, and trust me it really did. How you used to be beside me to stop me from going into my handy-shell. And more than anything else how once you told me that the ever-optimistic Kamna is becoming a pessimist. She has started looking at the galss as half-empty. The made me feel scared. Scared of no-longer remaining your mirror image. The best compliment i have ever got in my life is from you, when you said that "Kamna we are mirror images". If am YOUR mirror image, then I have to be amazing! And Awesome too!!! ;)

Time

Time is one one thing which always seems to be less, no matter how much of it we have or take. One week ago, when i reached back Delhi from Bombay, i thought that i have taken enough time. Today morning i realised that i probably need more. Its like when we get up from sleep and even if we have slept for 12 hours we somehow still want five more minutes. Inside we know that the story will still be the same after five or even ten minutes.

I am writing this while listening to a really emotional, romantic, beautiful, in short my FAVOURITE song so i have lost more sense out of the little i have been blessed with. Hence such a strange post. Which will probably have no head or tail. But there is a thought behind. And probably only i understand this thought the best, since its my thoughts i am talking about. But since Geetanjali told when i started my blog that probably il feel "better" through this blog, i thought of writing these random thoughts here. I MOSTLY listen to what Geetanjali says. The only time when i didn't listen to her and told her "Geetanjali I am not asking you, I am telling you" was the time when everything turned upside down. But as she says, everything that happens, happens for a reason & for the best. But Geetanjali was right, which she mostly is, this blog has helped me feel "better".

At times, the whole thought that your thoughts are being read by someone, even if that someone is not that one you want it to be read by, seems to help. It saves you from feeling bottled up. That's exactly how i felt today morning when i got up from sleep. And i wanted to sleep again.

Strange it may seem to be for a person who talks the the whole day. Who is considered to be an open book. Who is indeed an open book by all regards. How can a chatterbox like me feel bottled up? Only if everything in life was exactly how it seems (i want to use the word 'seemed') to be.

Only if there were less questions and more answers.

Bombay

Last week i got to know that happyness is not so difficult to feel as we think it is. I had this sudden urge to go to Bombay. Although i had been planning for a long time but all of a sudden I didn't know why I just wanted to go. But wasn't it the old me to just get up & do what i wanted to do even if that didn't have a big reason behind it.

Like a kid I went up to my boss and told him that "i wanna go to Bombay". And he sent me to bombay within a week. The whole thought that I just put my finger on something and I got that made me feel elated!! Now this is why i used to always feel that I am god's favourite child. Once again in life, after a really long time, I started feeling like that again.

Going to bombay was not such a big deal as such. But it was a very important trip for me. Both professionally & personally. It was my trip to "do" & "undo" a few things. Since the time my tickets were booked I knew this trip is gonna be the refresh button of my life. I was excited not for anything but for this chance to get my old old self back. I just wanted a lil break. Not the goa kind of break. But a break from a few things yet being around things and people who matter. And my work is one such aspect of my life. So a work cum pleasure trip is what I really needed.

Working makes me feel nice. And it makes feel important & wanted. And I love feeling like that. Then the whole feeling that there were friends in Bombay who were waiting for me, made me feel special. Friends who met me in Delhi a month ago but couldn't stop saying awesome when I told them that I am coming. Then there were friends who had no obligations to meet me but still went out of their way to do so. Also, there were new friendships waiting to be formed.

And above all, you give me a beach and i am the most happiest person on this planet. I feel PEACE when i am at a beach. Looking at the waves gives me joy which is truly unmatched. And Bombay has beaches!!!

Towards the last day i had started missing home, i had started missing delhi. But inside i was feeling nice, there were friends who were waiting for me to come back. You see, as I said earlier i love being wanted!!! Desire happens to be the meaning of my name!!! ;)

Once once again my confidence in my intuition has strengthened. I had this feeling that I should go to Bombay. It will make me feel me feel happy, that's exactly what I am feeling!!! :)

And since the day I have been back from Bombay, people around me and I myself can feel this change in me. I have become happy, fresh, excited, hopeful, lively & what not. Did Bombay "do" something? Or did it "undo" something? Or probably both? Whatever the case is, I am happy and that's all that matters!!!

Thank you Boss!!!! :)

Indifference

Indifference, according to me is the worst we can be towards someone. I am perceived to be a very warm person by almost everyone around me. This perception is perfectly justified. But my really close friends know that I can be extremely indifferent towards people who hurt me so badly that they leave no scope to undo what they did. Not cold but indifferent. There is a hell lot of difference.

Time & again it has happened that i have realised that people who were once the most important people in my life, people I truly loved & valued in whatever role they played in my life, when hurt me knowingly or leave me after hurting me, i just become indifferent towards them. Good or bad, right or wrong i don't know but that's how it is with me. When I am done with it, I really am done with it.

But can we ever turn a blind eye on someone who meant a hell lot once. More so if that person is sad or hurt or broken or shattered. I don't think so. Love as a feeling is so deep & true that it actually never dies.

Having said that, once the trust is broken it can never be re-established. And to have a nurturing relationship with another human soul both love & trust are equally important. Once the trust has gone, its gone forever, even if the love is still there.

I know, a few friends will question this point, like always, "how can you love someone you no longer trust". I will probaly never be explain why I feel like this. Yes i still do. But somewhere you can. The human beings we are, souls who are somewhere always scared to get hurt, will never want to be with people we no longer trust, even if we still love them. We tend to feel that someone who has broken our trust once, knows it really well how to do it, so they will take no time to do it again. But as I said true love never dies. True being the keyword here. And when we love people, more so as friends, I think that love is really indeed very true & pure. Other forms of the so-called love i would rather not comment on.

Today i realised that a friend who once used to be my best friend is sad. I don't know the reason, but i read her facebook status & i realised that she is disturbed. Its been almost three years since we drifted apart but don't know why but today when i come to know that she is disturbed, i don't take a second and ping her on gtalk.
There are so many people on my facebook list, i don't bother for all do I? Then why for a person who is no longer so close as she used to be. Why didn't I think for a second that what if she is doesn't respond. Why I am bothered about her happiness & peace of mind. I don't know the reason but that's how it is.

At the same time I am okay with the fact that she asked me for sometime as she is very disturbed. There was a time when we were very close. Best of friends. Long time ago, in different ways we both had let each other down, & everything changed.

But today I honestly didn't feel bad at all thinking that she didn't share her feelings with me or that times have changed so much. Probably because life has taught me that times change. At times, change happens in a blink. And at times there is pregnant pause & everything changes. No matter how quickly or slowly the change comes in the the attitude of people towards you or your attitude towards them, the key is to accept & respect that times have changed. People have changed. Equations have changed. And somewhere you have changed too. More often than not, this change is for better. So welcome it with open arms rather that fighting with your own self. That self which asks you to accept this change.

But the questions still remains, can we ever really be truly indifferent towards people we once claimed to love. In whatever manner we did, but we did. I would like myself to believe that the answer to this question of mine is "yes", but inside I know that its a "probably not" but "possibly yes". And there is a hell of a difference between "probably" & "possibly", all those who have seen pursuit of happyness will know what I mean!!!!!!

Till sometime back, "probably" was my favourite word out of the two, now i like "possibly" more. As I said, times change. So does our liking & so do our prefrences. Even if it doesn't change every other day, but i am glad that it finally does!

Guardian Angel

Death. It seems to be a word, no one wishes to be associated with. I feel that its a far bigger truth than even birth. Death is what brings everything to its destination. Death is what makes people realise the importance of the person who is no longer there. And even those who are still there.

My best friend's grandma expired today. Feeling sorry for her. But the fact is that only the person who has lost a dear one knows the loss.

After i reached back home from office, i asked a very simple question to mom, like a kid, "why do all old people die in march? Is there an year ending for god as well?". My own grand mother died in March three years ago. And iv noticed this, lot of old people around me have gone in March. Mom said its probably because March is just after winters. Old age & winter don't go along well.

I don't know what the reason is but bearing the pain of a loved one's death that is the most painful thing, i think.

One moment the person was there with you. The other moment the person has gone. Gone to never come back. These words sound so bookish. But once it happens to you, you actually realise what it means. This experience just changes you.

As a kid, I had seen lot of close relatives passing away. But only when my Nani died just a night before my college farewell did i actually realise what's death. Actually my nani died four days after that. For four days she was in comma. But for me she died the day she went to the hospital. I knew she will never come back. And i didn't even want her to come back as a vegetable. I loved her like hell. Still do. She was my room-mate. My friend. My girl-friend. My partner in crime. The love of my life. My opponent. My confidante. My biggest support. My biggest weakness. My support. My inspiration. So letting her go, watching her go was the most difficult phase of my life till now. But when i realised that either she will die or she will be bed ridden for the rest of her life. If that was the choice, then I wanted her to die. Till her last breath my nani was a fighter, i didn't want to keep her in front of my eyes & then let her lose everything shehad won. In fact i had not visited her her in hospital at all during the 4 days except for the time she was admitted. After that i had told everyone that i will never go to the hospital. Either i will meet her at home or for me she has already gone. The day, wen she died at night,that day i felt so light the whole day. But i could not figure out why. But a night before i had told myself that i will go and meet nani tomorrow. That's the last thing i thought before sleeping. Next day even when people said go tomorrow, i insisted on going that very day. And i am glad i heard my intuition & didn't question or analyse it. That was the last day my nani lived. An hour or so after i met her, she took her last breath.

My nani was probably waiting for me to go & kiss her good bye. Everyone had gone, but not me. And she knew i would have always been angry had she left without meeting me. That day i realised how difficult is to let some one go. But at the same time, specially when the person is in pain, its best to let them go. It still hurts a lot. It took me two years to overcome her death. Two years i cried myself to sleep almost everyday. One day i cried with my head on my mom's lap. I cried like a baby.

Since that day i have hardly crying missing nani. I miss her, when i think of those moments, i just smile. I still love her. And she loves me too. I can now actually feel that she looks over me. Three years ago I got my own guardian angel.

16th May'08 one of my best friends got her too.
Today, my other best friend did.

Thank you friends!

Although almost my weekends are fun & happy but yesterday was all the more amazing! I met friends who can do ANYTHING to bring a smile on my face. And by the time the day came to an end I once again realised that iv been blessed with the most amazing set of friends!!! I am sure all of us feel the same for our friends but at the cost of sounding boastful I can say that no one can beat MY friends!! Not only do i have quality but also quantity!!!!!

At times I feel, that its my friends only who have made me the Kamna I am today. Of course my family, teachers & mentor do share this place but my friends have handled me at my absolute best & absolute worst, that too beautifully.

They have made me so used to so much love, care & attention all the time that not only they but somewhere even I cant stand it when someone treats me like an unwanted object in their life. I am not an attention freak but somehow I'm now so used to getting so much attention all the time that any less attention than this is something very unusual for me. This doesn't mean that i am always treated like a queen. But yes, not less than a princess certainly. You see there is a difference.

Having said that, my friends are the first people to say NO to me when they think i am being unreasonable. They are the first ones to show me the mirror. They are the first ones to tell me to improve if i am trying to make too high aims. And they are also the first ones to stop me when i think of settling for anything less than i deserve.

They are the first people to come & pull my hand when they see that I'm hell bent on burning it. But what makes them amazing is that if i will still insist on having my own way (which is what i mostly do) then they don't stop me instead try their best that they are the ones who are proved wrong in the end. Yes they try to lose to make me win. But even after everything if i do burn my hand, they are the first few people to rush and pull my burnt hand out of the fire. But will never say that that "see we told you". Instead they will tell me, "I am glad you did what you wanted to. Its important to burn your hand at times".

And then so sweetly they will all gather around me & treat me like a baby. They will make sure that this baby who was howling till a lil while ago has the most amazing smile on her face. They never rest, till this smile is back. Thank you Friends!

So this post is to thank all those friends of mine who bring a smile on my face with the small & big things they do for me.

The friend who will take off her own earrings & give to me if i like them!

The friend who bothers himself so much late at night to give my blog a new look!

The friend who will drive for 80KMs in spite of not being well just to get a surprise from me!

The friend who will call me almost every morning asking if we can meet, even if we met just the last day.

The friend who will ask me to accompany her to a holi party every year even when she knows that i hate holi!

The friend who will not let me go to sleep with tears in my eyes, even if she herself is capable of crying while sleeping!

The friend who calls me the most amazing girl he knows!

The friend with whom all my answers lead to another question from him!

The friend whom i call a "doggie" but who will instead make me run with him in the middle of the road to save his momos from a greedy doggie!

The friend who calls me "a set-top box" or "tata free flow namak" and he is soon gonna come up with more I'm sure!

The friend who thinks i had cholera when i actually had typhoid!

The friend who will always drag me to buy a cigarette with him every time we meet, even when that's after days or months!

The friend who will try his best to get tea or coffee made for me in a pub, when am not well!

The friend who will very sweetly hold a karlsberg bottle in hand & say "ek sip to pi le".

The friend who will make me have gol-gappas when i go to meet her.

The friend who will write the sweetest poem for me.

The friend who will plan a movie-marathon with me & for me, & thus gift me with one of the most memorable days!

The friend who will come & gift me with something I so wanted to have but still hadn't started searching for.

The friend who always let me even abuse her but will never say anything to me or listen to anything against me.

The friend who will insist on dropping me back home in late evening even when she herself doesn't know the way back!

The friend who never meets me but will come all the way to wish me before a major exam!

The friend who will come dressed in a saree to surprise me when i am not well!

The friend who will send me to buy a match box for him so that he can have his sutta.

The friend who will leave a chocolate on top of my bag whenever he knows that i feel like having one.

The friend who will expect me to jump from the back seat to the front seat of her car, and laughs out like hell when i actually do that!

The friend who will make a hookah when i go to her place but will not force me to have it if i don't want to.

The friend who will give too much head-room in the pictures he clicks!

The friend who takes me along to goa just like that!

The friend who sends me the most beautiful birthday cards ever!

The friend who is ready to bet his hard-earned money on the question if its "he is just not that into you" or its "she is just not that into you"!

The friends who fight amongst themselves as to who will be the best man at my wedding!

The friend who vanishes from the face of this planet then puts the blame on me!

The friend who will meet me after months, & not a crib that a girl like me who is known to have great keeping in touch skills doesn't keep in touch with her.

The friend who asks me to have Pepsi when we both are feeling low!

The friend who leaves this world after leaving a message for me to keep smiling.

All these & many more friends, who touch my life in the beautiful manner that they do. If friends weighed in gold. I would have probably been the richest person on this planet. :)

The three most beautiful years of my life..

Don't know why but missing college a lot today. It was the best time of life.
Felt so nostalgic that ended up writing a note on facebook. But how can facebook have something which my blog doesn't!!! Here its goes:


The three most beautiful years of my life..

Those were the days...
When the college reopened in July,
And we settled in OUR studio.
When we queued up in the office to get our i-cards renewed,

When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to reach for VK's class at 8:40,
and those who didn’t somehow managed to sneak in.

We learnt making notes in the SMS lingo (if at all we made),
And saw our teachers progressing from PPT to FCP..

We started first with getting notes photocopied,
and advanced to posting them on the yahoo group.
The same group which today no one uses.

When we fought with one another over i-macs & e-macs,
PD-170s & edit bays during & after the shoots.

When we used to be scared of touching things in the studio,
As they always had a price tag attached!
A price we couldn’t afford to pay!

When we had lunch in classrooms, stairs, canteen, under the trouble tree,
but not in the studio,
still don’t why but the studio used to smell of choco-chip cookies!

When a Simon's class in the week's Time Table,
was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!!!!

When Vikrant Sir used to get home cooked lunch for us,
When Yogi Mam use to call everyone home to either blast or treat us, or both!
When Laili Mam used to chat with us like just one of us girls!

When we used to watch movies in the studio,
lying down on floor,
but always keeping an eye on the door.

When few rushed at 10 to "Conquer" back rest for the saturday workshops.
When we used to walk out of workshops,
Since we didn’t like the guest’s “attitude”!

When hindi classes almost always called for a Mass bunk.
Computer classes were considered useless,
as we always thought “what will you teach a Pro!”

When cut-copy-paste were our favorite commands!
When our reviews were returned with “Copied from the net. Came & meet” written on them!When our productions were our babies & “jugaad” was our middle name.

When our group was the best group, if we made them.
And the worst group, if Vikrant sir made them!

When the NCR gang used to be first to land up in college,
And the Camp ones were the last ones to enter!

When committees were formed for Misce-en-scene, Parampara, and Kshitij ki aore.
And the one-month long preparations for them.

When we had no money in our pockets.And even ate at hospital’s canteens.
When we used to conti for MCD’s burgers!
Or get a cake for Vikrant Sir from Sethi’s, when we felt that we have let him down.

When we went to kashmiri gate metro station 2 have a burger,
Or the Exchange store to have a muffin!

When we had stressful productions, internships and EXAMS,
But enjoyed every bit of it!

When we used to work from early morning to night,
Sometimes even seven days a week,
And felt extremely proud of ourself!

When the whole college considered the BMMMC girls to be the most arrogant,
snobbish & bitchy females born on this planet,
And we knew they are not only right but also JEALOUS!!!!

When we studied just to pass.
Now we study to save our job or clear entrance exams.
Gone are the days when we truly belonged to a recession-proof world!

When we used to talk for hours with our friends.
Now we don't have time to say a HI.
When we sat to chat with friends on stairs or the studio floor.
Now we its just the facebooks or gtalks where we chat!

When we shouted on the road, sat on the floor!
Today we have “cushion-jobs” with our very own workstations!
But no time to connect with those friends,
who at point were the most important people in our life.

When we learnt, we enjoyed,
we played, we sang,
we won, we lost,
we laughed, we cried,
we fought, we thought.

With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So many crushes, so many heart breaks,
So many bitching sessions, so many stories,
So many wishes, so many dreams,
So much of love, so much trust,
So much experience, all this and more.

Those were the days, the best days of my life.
When life was so simple,
so true & honest.

When we were not scared to love, to trust,
to lose, to let go,
to give, to receive,
to trip, to fall,
to fumble, to stumble,
to just take life each day at a time.

Gone are those days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever, ever and ever.

let it be..

We hear this term & use it so many times that more often than not we don't realise if we are using it for a person, a feeling, a thing or a situation. We all feel that by just letting some one or something be, things will be fine if they already aren't.

It was only day before i actually realised what it really does mean to let something be. On my way back from office something fell in my eye. There was a lot of dust on the road. And just as i reached home I rushed to the bathroom to wash my eye as it was hurting very badly. Wasn't even able to open the eye properly. Mom kept saying that wash it with lot of water. I washed it with buckets & buckets of water. It just became this better that i could open the eye. And then blink at the speed i talk! Kept rubbing it, mom kept asking me not do so. Not only it was hurting me, but it was irritating me badly since i didn't know what was hurting me, where was it and how could i take it out & free myself from that pain. And once again see everything clearly. I even tried to make myself cry thinking that with tears whatever that is there will go away. But that's the best thing about tears. They will never come when you so want them to come. They will always be unstoppable when they should not even peek outside the eye. Anyways, I kept rubbing the eye. Then my mom told me finally not to rub it otherwise i might cause myself internal injury. And healing that wound inside the eye may be difficult. Like a lil child i got so scared! She said since i have already washed it, if i just let it be, it will be fine in sometime. I did just that. Was still irritated. And I was justified in being so. Not only was it hurting me but it was constantly pricking me in the eye. With time it became better. I was even able to read. I got distracted & stopped thinking that something is hurting me.

When got up in the morning, i could just remember that something fell in my eye the previous day. It was no longer hurting. No longer pricking me.

Thinking about all this, i just smiled. I have always believed that god tries to talk to us through various ways. And he probably spoke to me. Told me something very important. When you are not able to understand what is pricking you constantly. You really have no clue as to when & how will it stop hurting. Just let it be. In the end everything is always alright. If its not alright, then its still not the end.

The first step..

With this post, I take my first step in the world of blogging. Like almost everything in my life, this was a very impulsive decision. And like it has been with most of my first steps (and almost all the last ones) its my best friend Geetanjali who has brought me here.
Thanks Geetanjali! :)